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Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to the new generation, companies should encourage the employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to the new generation, companies should encourage the employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 2
There is a widespread belief that modern society should replace employees who have crossed 55 years of age. Although some people believe retiring people above 55 been a negative development, I, however, feel it has had a positive impact in making the organization more productive. Firstly, recruiting youngsters would impart fresh ideas which might rejuvenate a company. Further, due to the change in the education system young people acquire more innovative programs which often help an organization to grow swiftly. While I concede that high-level employees possess vast experience, as well as their advice, are worthy, the problem is aged people are less active and sharp than youngsters. A good illustration of this development is the new start-up company mostly prefer to hire a young individual. On the other hand, older people take advantage of pension schemes or they commence their own company. Unemployment is another area of concern. Many developing nation faces a problem of lack of job opportunities among youth. Many supporters who believe to work until 65 years claim that people should be allowed to work for many years since they can contribute to the company with better skills and knowledge. However, I would argue that this trend will boost economic repercussions. Consequently, office positions will be taken by the elder generation instead of young ones. Thus, in order to keep the nation’s economy healthy, the certain age limit is to be strictly defined and fair chances to young generation have to be provided. To exemplify, if cricketers like Sachin Tendulkar and Kapil Sharma had not retired, then we could never get our marvelous Captain MS Dhoni under whose guidance our team won the World Cup. To conclude, not only aged people are sluggish, but they also enhance unemployment among young people. Therefore, although I acknowledge that older people have sound knowledge of respective fields, I firmly agree people older than 55 years should give up work.
There is a widespread belief that modern society should replace employees who have crossed 55 years of age. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe retiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
above 55 been a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development, I,
however
, feel it has had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact in making the organization more productive.

Firstly
, recruiting youngsters would impart fresh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
which might rejuvenate a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Further
, due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the education system
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
acquire more innovative programs which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
an organization to grow
swiftly
. While I concede that high-level employees possess vast experience,
as well
as their advice, are worthy, the problem
is aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are less active and sharp than youngsters. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
illustration of this development is the new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
mostly
prefer to hire a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
individual.
On the other hand
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take advantage of pension
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
schemes or
they commence their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

Unemployment is another area of concern.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
developing nation faces a problem of lack of job opportunities among youth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
supporters who believe to work until 65 years claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to work for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years since they can contribute to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
with better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.
However
, I would argue that this trend will boost economic repercussions.
Consequently
, office positions will
be taken
by the elder generation
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones.
Thus
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the nation’s economy healthy, the certain age limit is to be
strictly
defined and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
chances to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be provided
. To exemplify, if cricketers like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Sachin
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tendulkar
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kapil
Sharma had not retired, then we could never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
our marvelous Captain MS
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dhoni
under whose guidance our team won the World Cup.

To conclude
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are sluggish,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
enhance unemployment among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Therefore
, although I acknowledge that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have sound knowledge of respective fields, I
firmly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
older than 55 years should give up work.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to the new generation, companies should encourage the employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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