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Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to the new generation, companies should encourage the employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to the new generation, companies should encourage the employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 1
The soaring unemployment rate has been a huge problem for many governments nowadays. Some people suggest that senior employees over 55 should be encouraged to retire so that they can make room for young people. Personally, I disagree with this idea. It is true that if many elder people leave their jobs when reaching a certain age, more vacancies will be available, and then young people are able to secure a job easily. This will greatly reduce the unemployment rate in the society. Furthermore, with more young employees, enterprises can be more dynamic because young people tend to be more creative and innovative. However, I believe setting 55 as the retirement age is inappropriate. Firstly, 55 is too young for most healthy adults to retire today. Modern people’s life expectancy has significantly improved as a result of the advances in science and medicine. It is not reasonable to ask healthy senior citizens, especially those who have great expertise, to stop working at such a young age. On top of that, their leaving could give rise to the shortage of skilled labour force, which subsequently would have an adverse impact on the efficiency and productivity of a company. Furthermore, if those who are still competent for their job were required to go home just because they are 55, they would perhaps feel unvalued and discriminated against. This might push them into depression and affect their mental wellbeing eventually. In conclusion, encouraging old staff to retire at the age of 55 can help boost employment among young people and invigorate the company, but in my opinion, it is neither fair nor reasonable for many specialized senior employees and their companies.
The soaring unemployment rate has been a huge problem for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
nowadays.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suggest that senior employees over 55 should
be encouraged
to retire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
room for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Personally
, I disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

It is true that if
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their jobs when reaching a certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, more vacancies will be available, and then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are able to secure a job
easily
. This will
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the unemployment rate in the society.
Furthermore
, with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
employees, enterprises can be more dynamic
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to be more creative and innovative.
However
, I believe setting 55 as the retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is inappropriate.

Firstly
, 55 is too
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
for most healthy adults to retire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. Modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life expectancy has
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
as a result
of the advances in science and medicine. It is not reasonable to ask healthy senior citizens,
especially
those who have great expertise, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
working at such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
On top of that
, their leaving could give rise to the shortage of skilled
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
force, which
subsequently
would have an adverse impact on the efficiency and productivity of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Furthermore
, if those who are
still
competent for their job
were required
to go home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are 55, they would perhaps feel
Possible spelling mistake found.
unvalued
and discriminated against. This might push them into depression and affect their mental
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
eventually
.

In conclusion
, encouraging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
staff to retire at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 55 can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
boost employment among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and invigorate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in my opinion, it is neither
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
nor reasonable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
specialized senior employees and their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to the new generation, companies should encourage the employees who are older than 55 to retire. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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