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Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree? Why? v.1

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Why? v. 1
Although the myriad of people think that cell phones should be provided to children, but others think it is of no use. As per my opinion, parents should not give mobile phones to their kids. This leads to addiction and wrong usage. This can be explained by numerous factors. On the one hand, parents can not go at every step along with their children. They believe that if kids have cell phones, they can make a call in case of any danger or in an emergency. Nowadays, mostly both parents are working and they are in habit to talk with their young ones at least twice a day. For instance, as per a recent survey, 80% working parents have provided mobile device to their kids to ask about their well wishes. For them, this is the best mode of communication. On the other hand, parents believe that cellular phones are the victim to expose kids in socializing web sites. These websites are responsible for indulging bad habits in younger ones in terms of bullying, delinquency and truancy. Besides, children play various kinds of games on it. It has an adverse effect on their health. Along with this, they do not spend much time on study. They shirk to read the books. To conclude with, while people have various opinions. In my opinion, parents ought to not be given cell device to children. Having this device, not only expose them into social sites, but also responsible for jumping into bad habits. Communication in emergencies has been taking care of school and teachers. So, parents should give space to kids to grow and develop.
Although the myriad of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
should
be provided
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is of no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. As per my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not give mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. This leads to addiction and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
usage. This can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explained
by numerous factors.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can not go at every step along with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They believe that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
have cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a call in case of any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
or in an emergency. Nowadays,
mostly
both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
working and
they are in habit to talk with their young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
at least twice a day.
For instance
, as per a recent survey, 80% working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have provided mobile device to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to ask about their well wishes. For them, this is the best mode of communication.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
believe that cellular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
are the victim to expose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
in socializing
Did you mean "websites"?
web sites
. These websites are responsible for indulging
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits in younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
in terms of bullying, delinquency and truancy.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play various kinds of games on it. It has an adverse effect on their health. Along with this, they do not spend much time on study. They shirk to read the books.

To conclude
with, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have various opinions. In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
ought to not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
cell device to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Having this device, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
expose them into social sites,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
responsible for jumping into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits. Communication in emergencies has been taking care of school and teachers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should give space to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to grow and develop.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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