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Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree? Why? v.2

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Why? v. 2
It is believed that the elderly who are in higher positions should be encouraged to retire by the companies in order to provide more opportunities for younger staff. Personally, I agree with this opinion, which I will elaborate further in the following paragraphs. Firstly, the elderly are usually more conservative and reluctant to innovate. Their management skills and professional knowledge cannot keep pace with the rapid development of modern commercial society, which would result in losses in business. In contrast, young employees are more willing to accept new ideas and technology, they prefer to approach a task from different angles and try to find the most effective measure. Their existence in senior management could bring new opportunities to the company. For example, the elder administrative staff is used to use traditional marking strategies such as newspapers and billboards, while the younger employees are skilled in using social media such as Facebook and Twitter to advertise the products, which is a more effective and economic way of marketing. Secondly, it is acknowledged that physical condition would go downhill as people grow old. As managerial staff, it is inevitable to work overtime. However, the elder employees are unable to work for a long time or complete intensive working tasks, which would impair the working outcomes. Lastly, the senior managerial staff usually receives a higher salary which would be a financial burden to enterprises. If these job positions are replaced by younger staff with lower payment, large amounts of expenditures can be saved and being used in other fields such as facilities improvement or advertisement investment to facilitate the development of the company. In conclusion, I strongly believe that younger generation should be given more opportunities in management level since enterprises can benefit from it.
It
is believed
that the elderly who are in higher positions should
be encouraged
to retire by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
in order to provide more opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion, which I will elaborate
further
in the following paragraphs.

Firstly
, the elderly are
usually
more conservative and reluctant to innovate. Their management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and professional knowledge cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
pace with the rapid development of modern commercial society, which would result in losses in business.
In contrast
, young employees are more willing to accept new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and technology, they prefer to approach a task from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
angles and try to find the most effective measure. Their existence in senior management could bring new opportunities to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
For example
, the elder administrative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
traditional marking strategies such as newspapers and billboards, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
employees
are skilled
in using social media such as Facebook and Twitter to advertise the products, which is a more effective and
Did you mean "economical" (=affordable, cheap)?
economic
way of marketing.

Secondly
, it
is acknowledged
that physical condition would go downhill as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
grow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. As managerial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
, it is inevitable to work overtime.
However
, the elder employees are unable to work for a long time or complete intensive working tasks, which would impair the working outcomes.

Lastly
, the senior managerial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
usually
receives a higher salary which would be a financial burden to enterprises. If these job positions
are replaced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff
with lower payment, large amounts of expenditures can
be saved
and being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in other fields such as facilities improvement or advertisement investment to facilitate the development of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
younger
generation should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more opportunities in management level since enterprises can benefit from it.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
292 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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