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Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.6

Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. v. 6
Museum and art galleries are known to be the places where it provides information about our past life and cultures. Some museum is free of charge while others required to pay. The writer wholeheartedly believes the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages and my reasons will discuss below followed by a conclusion. To start with, there is an enormous number of museums and galleries all over the globe, the aim is to provide and to flourish the knowledge of the people regarding the past civilization, cultures and of course for the people particularly teenagers and children to obtain some information how life before. Apart from that, they displayed important collections such as paintings, artefacts, and memorabilia from the ancestors in pristine position. They are certain staffs designated to maintain the cleanliness and to preserve those items inside the galleries. Hence, to keep the galleries, spectacular and keep it pristine all the time, thereby it required extra revenue to keep going. Furthermore, people know that the government spends less budget on the Museum thereby income from the admission fees is beneficial and vital. One good example is that when I and some of my friends visited the Replica of our National Hero Dr. Jose Rizal and admission was given. The amount collected was given for the maintenance of the colossal building and for mending once there is an an inevitable circumstance happened. Thus, it is obvious that people can able to appreciate well once the Museum preserve and well maintained. However, although some galleries are not huge like the place where they displayed the paintings and some sort of artwork from the artist and it did not require huge manpower to maintenance and to preserve these kinds of artwork. These are the galleries that not required a significant amount of money. To sum up, the admission fee is considered and crucial for the mending and for the development of the museum which helps to enrich the knowledge of the people nowadays about the past life and have a better understanding of the artworks.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
and art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
are known
to be the places where it provides information about our past life and cultures.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
is free of charge while others required to pay. The writer
wholeheartedly
believes the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages and my reasons will discuss below followed by a conclusion.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, there is an enormous number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museums
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
all over the globe, the aim is to provide and to flourish the knowledge of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regarding the past civilization, cultures and
of course
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
particularly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and children to obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
information how life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Apart from that, they displayed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
collections such as paintings,
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
, and memorabilia from the ancestors in pristine position. They are certain staffs designated to maintain the cleanliness and to preserve those items inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
.
Hence
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
, spectacular and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
it pristine all the time, thereby it required extra revenue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
going.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
know that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
spends less budget on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
thereby income from the admission fees is beneficial and vital. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example is that when I and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my friends visited the Replica of our National Hero Dr. Jose Rizal and admission was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
. The amount collected was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for the maintenance of the colossal building and for mending once there is
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "an" or "an" is left.
an an
inevitable circumstance happened.
Thus
, it is obvious that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Please check whether one of these words is redundant.
can able to
appreciate well once the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Museum
preserve and well maintained.

However
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
are not huge like the place where they displayed the paintings and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of artwork from the artist and it did not require huge manpower to maintenance and to preserve these kinds of artwork. These are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
that not required a significant amount of money.

To sum up, the admission fee
is considered
and crucial for the mending and for the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
museum
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to enrich the knowledge of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays about the past life and have a better understanding of the artworks.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people believe that in order for a hobby to be enjoyable, it needs to be difficult in some way. v. 6

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
341 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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