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some people believe that if people are not allowed to work after the age of 60, it cause problems. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

some people believe that if people are not allowed to work after the age of 60, it cause problems. v. 1
Nowadays, a person's age above 60 is considered as a retirement age and therefore, a few people think that it can inflict serious issues if they are not permitted to work. In my viewpoint, I consider that the problem can arise depending upon the situation being taken into accounts such as whether it is a white collar business or a blue collar job. It is often thought by some that retiring after the age of 60 can bring in troubles for the employer. In other words, senior employees have a plethora of experience and knowledge which has been gained through their life-time of service. As a result, this will be lost, and the company will be severely affected when any senior worker is not allowed to give its inputs. This is particularly true, for instance, in many white collar jobs where a worker's critical thinking and problem-solving strategies are more significant than their physical strengths. In addition, the organisation will also have to rely on impetuous decisions of young inexperienced professionals instead of capable and adept senior individuals. However, in certain blue-collar business worlds where people's vigour, strength, and stamina are given priority, the inability of older people to work cannot impede any corporation or cause any drawbacks. This is because of the fact that people's age is linked to their physical capabilities and consequently, having younger workers to replace older employees, will, in turn, cause a business to perform effectively. Mechanical and electrical jobs can be cited as typical examples of these areas. To conclude, despite some of the problems associated with older people in white collar businesses, I personally believe that it can be beneficial for many other manual working businesses and employees as it can be physically demanding for the workers. In the future, due to advanced learning methods, senior employees will be replaced in many I. T fields as well by young graduates.
Nowadays, a person's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
above 60
is considered
as a retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and
therefore
, a few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it can inflict serious issues if they are not permitted to work. In my viewpoint, I consider that the problem can arise depending upon the situation
being taken
into accounts such as whether it is a white
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
collar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
or a blue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
collar
job.

It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that retiring after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60 can bring in troubles for the employer.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
have a plethora of experience and knowledge which has
been gained
through their life-time of service.
As a result
, this will
be lost
, and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
will be
severely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
when any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
worker is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to give its inputs. This is
particularly
true,
for instance
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
white
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
collar
jobs where a worker's critical thinking and problem-solving strategies are more significant than their physical strengths.
In addition
, the
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisation' is British English.
organisation
will
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rely on impetuous decisions of young inexperienced professionals
instead
of capable and adept
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
individuals.

However
, in certain blue-collar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
worlds where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake found.
vigour
, strength, and stamina are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
priority, the inability of older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to work cannot impede any corporation or cause any drawbacks. This is
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "because".
because of the fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is linked
to their physical capabilities and
consequently
, having younger workers to replace older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, will, in turn, cause a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
to perform
effectively
. Mechanical and electrical jobs can
be cited
as typical examples of these areas.

To conclude
, despite
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
problems associated with older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in white
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
collar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
, I
personally
believe that it can be beneficial for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other manual working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
businesses
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
as it can be
physically
demanding for the workers. In the future, due to advanced learning methods,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
will
be replaced
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
I. T fields
as well
by young graduates.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay some people believe that if people are not allowed to work after the age of 60, it cause problems. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
317 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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