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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. v. 2
According to some people / a few people, the external appearance and dressing style of a person can reflect their cultural values and personality traits. Personally, I disagree with the opinion that the choice of clothing should be used to deduce the character of a person. Some of the sentiments and traditions can be inferred from the dressing one chooses to wear, but it is only limited to the externalities. For example, consider the Sikhs who wear the turban. It definitely gives us an idea about the background of the person and perhaps also his nationality. Likewise, most Muslim women wear burkha to show respect for their religion. However, a burkha only reveals the religion of a woman. It does not state anything about her character or personality. A person’s lifestyle, preferences and habits, on the other hand, give more clues regarding their character and personality. For instance, I have personally met many people who dress modestly but live a life full of passion, ambition and adventure. Obviously, there is little we can deduce from their choice of clothes. Mahatma Gandhi, who earned India independence from the mighty British Empire, was greatly admired for his right conduct and honesty. He used to wear only a loin cloth to cover his body but he possessed great virtues unknown to many. At first, the British rulers chose to ignore him because they could never imagine that a half-naked fakir would one day shake the very foundations of their empire. In conclusion, the choice of clothing or external appearances are not a reflection of a person’s culture or character. They can at best show whether a person is modern or traditional. They don’t give any clues to their character or values.
According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
/ a few
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, the external appearance and dressing style of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
can reflect their cultural values and personality traits.
Personally
, I disagree with the opinion that the choice of clothing should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to deduce the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
of a person.

If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
sentiments and traditions can
be inferred
from the dressing one chooses to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wear
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
limited to the externalities.
For example
, consider the Sikhs who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wear
the turban. It definitely gives us an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about the background of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
and perhaps
also
his nationality.
Likewise
, most Muslim women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wear
Possible spelling mistake found.
burkha
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
respect for their religion.
However
, a
Possible spelling mistake found.
burkha
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reveals the religion of a woman. It does not state anything about her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
or personality.

A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
lifestyle, preferences and habits,
on the other hand
, give more clues regarding their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
and personality.
For instance
, I have
personally
met
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who dress
modestly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a life full of passion, ambition and adventure.
Obviously
, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
we can deduce from their choice of clothes. Mahatma Gandhi, who earned India independence from the mighty British Empire, was
greatly
admired for his right conduct and honesty. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wear
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a loin cloth to cover his body
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he possessed great virtues unknown to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
. At
first
, the British rulers chose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
him
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could never imagine that a half-naked fakir would one day shake the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
foundations of their empire.

In conclusion
, the choice of clothing or external appearances are not a reflection of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person’s
culture or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
. They can at best
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
whether a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is modern or traditional. They don’t give any clues to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
character
or values.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it could cause problems. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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