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Some people believe that hobbies needed to be difficult to be enjoyable. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that hobbies needed to be difficult to be enjoyable. v. 1
It is argued that people need to opt for difficult hobbies for enjoyment. However, in my view, simple hobbies can also be enjoyable for various grounds. At the outset, difficult hobbies can lead to a sense of satisfaction because when the extreme activities are accomplished by people, a sense of pride has been felt by them as they have performed something that had never been done beforehand. The winning expressions of river rafters are a good example of this, that how much contentment the participants feel after this activity. Moreover, the thrill is another aspect for which the people like to engross in dangerous activities. As an average person does not have enough opportunities to explore the adventurous life. By putting their life in danger, they can go beyond their normal way of living. Furthermore, perilous games produce a meditative state because a state of thoughtlessness has been introduced, while getting involved in dangerous activities. On the other hand, enjoyment can even be introduced by simple hobbies. As due to hectic schedules, most of the people have spare time neither to learn the dangerous skills nor to get involved in. However, activities like reading books, listening to music, can be enjoyed easily, no matter how much busy the person is. What is more, not only these simple hobbies are safer but also no special gear is required, hence much cheaper. By partaking in such skills people do not need to put their lives in risk as an equal amount of enjoyment can be brought by these. Nevertheless, activities like paragliding can cost of a big chunk of money, and even after spending a thousand dollar check, these could be detrimental to life. Therefore, I personally believe that simple activities could be chosen to get enjoyment in a safer and cheaper way. In conclusion, this essay discussed the reasons for people's choice of difficult hobbies and my perception is that how enjoyment can be found in simple hobbies.
It
is argued
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to opt for difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
.
However
, in my view,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
can
also
be enjoyable for various grounds.

At the outset, difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
can lead to a sense of satisfaction
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when the extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are accomplished
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, a sense of pride has
been felt
by them as they have performed something that had never
been done
beforehand. The winning expressions of river rafters are a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of this, that how much contentment the participants feel after this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
Moreover
, the thrill is another aspect for which the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to engross in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
an average person does not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
opportunities to explore the adventurous life. By putting their
Did you mean "lives"?
life
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
, they can go beyond their normal way of living.
Furthermore
, perilous games produce a meditative state
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a state of thoughtlessness has
been introduced
, while getting involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
activities.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
can even
be introduced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
. As due to hectic schedules, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have spare time neither to learn the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
nor to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like reading books, listening to music, can
be enjoyed
easily
, no matter how much busy the person is.
What is more
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
are safer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
no special gear
is required
,
hence
much cheaper. By partaking in such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not need to put their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
as an equal amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
can
be brought
by these.
Nevertheless
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like paragliding can cost of a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
chunk of money, and even after spending a thousand dollar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
, these could be detrimental to life.
Therefore
, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
could
be chosen
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
in a safer and cheaper way.

In conclusion
, this essay discussed the reasons for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's choice of difficult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
and my perception is that how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoyment
can
be found
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hobbies
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Some people believe that hobbies needed to be difficult to be enjoyable. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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