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Some people believe that government should spent more money on healthcare and education, and not on sports and entertainment resource. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that government should spent more money on healthcare and education, and not on sports and entertainment resource. v. 2
Spending money by government in right sectors for the development of a nation has always been a challenging decision. It is asserted by some people that it would be wastage of financial resources, if money is spent on entertainment resources, rather a significant amount of money should be spent to provide medical care and education facilities to people. I disagree with the notion and intend to discuss my views in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, it is believed that education and health care is the basic necessity and plays a vital role in growth of a country. This is because education creates better career opportunities and good healthcare facilities make sure every citizen is fit and healthy. Hence, employed and fit individuals not only enjoy myriad benefits of life, but also contribute to nation`s development by paying taxes. However, entertainment and sports are also providing a lot of career paths to youngsters and as well as are necessary to break monotony of daily life to have fun, which is equally important. To conclude, although education and medical care are important in terms of essential requirements for life, I believe importance of sports and entertainment industry can not be ignored as these sectors are also playing a key role for the development of people by providing employment opportunities, huge contribution to nation`s economy and making people`s life cheerful.
Spending money by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in right sectors for the development of a nation has always been a challenging decision. It
is asserted
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that it would be wastage of financial resources, if money
is spent
on entertainment resources,
rather
a significant amount of money should
be spent
to provide medical care and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I disagree with the notion and intend to discuss my views in the following paragraphs.

On the one hand, it
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and health care is the basic necessity and plays a vital role in growth of a country. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
creates better career opportunities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
healthcare facilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure every citizen
is fit
and healthy.
Hence
, employed and fit individuals not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
enjoy myriad benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
contribute to
The character between 'nation' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "nation’s" (curly apostrophe) or "nation's" (straight apostrophe).
nation`s
development by paying taxes.
However
, entertainment and sports are
also
providing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
career paths to youngsters and
as well
as are necessary to break monotony of daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to have fun, which is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and medical care are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in terms of essential requirements for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, I believe importance of sports and entertainment industry can not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
as these sectors are
also
playing a key role for the development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by providing employment opportunities, huge contribution to
The character between 'nation' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "nation’s" (curly apostrophe) or "nation's" (straight apostrophe).
nation`s
economy and making
The character between 'people' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "people’s" (curly apostrophe) or "people's" (straight apostrophe).
people`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
cheerful.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe that government should spent more money on healthcare and education, and not on sports and entertainment resource. v. 2

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
229 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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