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Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. agree/disagree v.4

Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. agree/disagree v. 4
The majority of the people are waiting to be out of the labor market and devote their time to their family. This trends prompts a controversial topic whether people should be retired after the age of 60 or not. I adamantly believe that citizens of a country should work in their 60s. first and foremost, experience and knowledge have been accumulated during years and if governments push people toward early retirement, the society and economics would worse off. Since retirement means that people can not gain from a retired' s precious knowledge and experience, early retirement means losing the advantage of using all the information they have. Take a professor of a university as an example. He allocates a sheer scale of his life to study in his major. Now the university excludes him from his faculty members. There are two detrimental consequences. In one hand, the university should hire someone with insufficient information and spend lots of money and energy to train him. On the other hand, the university will hinder students to use the knowledge of the retired professor. More importantly, the early retirement provokes numerous mental diagnosis in elderly. Retired people do not have any goal in their life and if they merely stay at home, eventually seeds of depression will be spread in their life. According to a large-scale research done by world health organization (WHO) there is a meaningful correlation between retirement and depression. Data of these two factors show that the earlier elderly become retirement, the more possible that we have depression in the elderly people of the society. last but not least, early retirement lead insurance companies toward bankruptcy. The revenue of this important sector of the economy is the years the people are going to pay for their insurance. On the other hand, the cost of them is pensions they pay to retired. Accordingly, in the case of early retirement, they can not balance their budget and the likelihood of failure is a lot. As a matter of fact, most of the countries are suffering from this problem. The interference of the governments has helped insurance companies but it puts the states under pressure of debt. Debt of the USA, as an example, is 10 percent of their gross domestic products (GDP) and most of them is associated with early retirement imposed to the insurance private sectors. In a nutshell, I subscribe to the belief that people should not retire at the age of sixty.
The majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are waiting to be out of the labor market and devote their time to their family. This trends prompts a controversial topic whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retired
after the age of 60 or not. I
adamantly
believe that citizens of a country should work in their 60s.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
first
and foremost, experience and knowledge have
been accumulated
during years and if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
push
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
toward
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, the society and economics would worse off. Since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not gain from a
Possible spelling mistake found.
retired&
#039; s precious knowledge and experience,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
means losing the advantage of using all the information they have. Take a professor of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
as an example. He allocates a sheer scale of his life to study in his major.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
excludes him from his faculty members. There are two detrimental consequences. In one hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
should hire someone with insufficient information and spend lots of money and energy to train him.
On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
will hinder students to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the knowledge of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retired
professor.

More
importantly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
provokes numerous mental diagnosis in elderly.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have any goal in their life and if they
merely
stay at home,
eventually
seeds of depression will
be spread
in their life. According to a large-scale research done by
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
world health organization
(WHO) there is a meaningful correlation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
and depression. Data of these two factors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that the earlier elderly become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, the more possible that we have depression in the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of the society.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
insurance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
toward bankruptcy. The revenue of this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
sector of the economy is the years the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are going to pay for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
insurance
.
On the other hand
, the cost of them is pensions they pay to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retired
.
Accordingly
, in the case of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
, they can not balance their budget and the likelihood of failure is a lot. As a matter of fact, most of the countries are suffering from this problem. The interference of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
insurance
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it puts the states under pressure of debt. Debt of the USA, as an example, is 10 percent of their gross domestic products (GDP) and most of them
is associated
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
imposed to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
insurance
private sectors.

In a nutshell, I subscribe to the belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not retire at the age of sixty.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. agree/disagree v. 4

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
413 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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