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Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. agree/disagree v.1

Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. agree/disagree v. 1
Nowadays, it is quite common to see many students engaged in part time jobs. A number of learners work after school or college hours in order to meet their expenses. This essay will delve into the pros and cons of such a trend of students taking up such jobs. On one hand, there are many advantages of doing a part-time job. Firstly, young learners are able to earn money, which help in decreasing the burden of expenses on their parent’s pockets. Secondly, by engaging in such jobs a pupil gain many qualities such as communication skills and time management, which proves to be beneficial in the later stage of their life. For instance, according to a research by a popular magazine, it is shown that the persons who have done some jobs during college days are more professional than the others. Last but not the least, it helps to build confidence among students which, in turn, help in one’s holistic growth. On the other hand, there are various detrimental effects of working half time after college hours. The students usually lose their interest in studies as they are more focused towards their job. Moreover, a greater number of stressful hours result in deterioration of the mental health of young learners making them exposed to mental illness. To illustrate, around 80 percent of students doing part time jobs are seen to be prone to some kind of mental disease such as depression, thus, affecting the society as a whole. To conclude, the advantages of doing part time work clearly overshadows the disadvantages. In my opinion, engaging in a job is an excellent opportunity for the pupils to gain various qualities which help them in their future career prospects.
Nowadays, it is quite common to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
engaged in part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. A number of learners work after school or college hours in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their expenses. This essay will delve into the pros and cons of such a trend of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
taking up such jobs.

On one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages of doing a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Firstly
, young learners are able to earn money, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in decreasing the burden of expenses on their parent’s pockets.
Secondly
, by engaging in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
a pupil gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
qualities such as communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management, which proves to be beneficial in the later stage of their life.
For instance
, according to
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
by a popular magazine, it
is shown
that the persons who have done
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
during college days are more professional than the others. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to build confidence among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
which, in turn,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in one’s holistic growth.

On the other hand
, there are various detrimental effects of working half
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
after college hours. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
usually
lose their interest in studies as they are more focused towards their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Moreover
, a greater number of stressful hours result in deterioration of the mental health of young learners making them exposed to mental illness. To illustrate, around 80 percent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
doing part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
to be prone to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of mental disease such as depression,
thus
, affecting the society as a whole.

To conclude
, the advantages of doing part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
work
clearly
overshadows the disadvantages. In my opinion, engaging in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is an excellent opportunity for the pupils to gain various qualities which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them in their future career prospects.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. agree/disagree v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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