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Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.2

Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. with this opinion? v. 2
TODAY'S YOUNGSTERS ARE HIGHLY ENERGETIC AND INNOVATIVE. MYRIAD OF YOUTH ENCOARAGED TO BE SELF EMPLOYED AFTER HEARING THE STORY OF A SUCCESSFUL YOUNG BUSINESSMEN BECAUSE OF THE NUMEROUS MERITS OF DOING OWN BUSINESS THAN DEMERITS. HENCE, I DO NOT THINK SO THAT CONS OF SEL EMPYOEEMENT CAN OUTWEIGH THE PROS. THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THE MAIN ADVANTAGE OF BEING EMPLYOEER AND HOW DISADVANTAGE ARE AT LEAST CONCERN IN FRONT OF FAMILY VALUES. ON THE ONE HAND, THE MAJOR BENEFIT OF DOING BUSINESS IS THAT IT GIVES A FLEXIBILITY IN WORKING TIME AND PLACE. AND THUS, THAT PERSON IS NOT BONDED TO OPT FOR WORK ON FIXED TIME RATHER ONE HAS A RIGHT TO OPERATE THE BUSINESS FROM ANYWHERE AND ANYTIME AT HIS CONVENIENCE. HOWEVER, WORKERS SHOULD BE PUNCTUAL IN THEIR TIME AND WORK AS THEY ARE BEING PAID FOR FIXED HOURS WORKS. FOR EXAMPLE, ONE OF MY FRIEND OWN'S A STATIONARY SHOP. SO WHENEVER HE GETS EMERGENCY WHETHER PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL, HE USED TO TAKE A DAY OFF. I THINK THUS, PEOPLE FIND EASY AND MORE FLEXIBLE TO OWNA BUSINESS THAN BEING EMPLOYEE. ON THE OTHER HAND, WORKING FOR SELF GIVES MORE BURDEN AND RESPONSIBILTY THAN WORKING FOR AN EMPLOYER. ONE HAS TO WORK MORE THAN 9 HOURS PER DAY TO INCREASE THE PROFITS AND EXPANSION OF BUSINESS. THIS LEAVES A LESS TIME FOR THEM TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. AND AS A RESULT LACK OF TIME FOR CONVERSATION BUILD A BRIDGE IN BETWEEN THEM. HOWEVER, AS FAR AS THEY ARE AVAILABLE DURING NEEDED TIME, THIS SMALL PROBLEMS CAN BE NEGOTIATE. FOR INSTANCE, A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN TOLD IN THE INTERVIEW THAT HE USED TO HAVE PERSONAL ISSUES A LOT BUT AT THE END EVERYTHING WORKS OUT WITH PROPER UNDERSTANDINGS. IN CONCLUSION, WHETHER THE INDIVIDUAL IS SELF-EMPLOYED OR EMPLYEE, EVERY FAMILY NEEDS SUPPORT, AFFECTION AND TIME. AND THIS REQUIREMENT, A BUSINESS OWNER CAN FULLFILL AT THE BEST. THUS, NEW GENERATION ARE MORE INFLUENCED WITH OPERATINNG BUSINESS AS OWNER THAN WORKING FOR THE COMPANY.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
TODAY
'S YOUNGSTERS ARE
HIGHLY
ENERGETIC AND INNOVATIVE. MYRIAD OF YOUTH
Possible spelling mistake found.
ENCOARAGED
TO BE SELF EMPLOYED AFTER HEARING THE STORY OF A SUCCESSFUL YOUNG
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "businessman"?
BUSINESSMEN
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BECAUSE
OF THE NUMEROUS MERITS OF DOING
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
OWN
Use "(BUSINESS)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
BUSINESS
THAN DEMERITS.
HENCE
, I DO NOT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
THINK
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
THAT CONS OF SEL
Possible spelling mistake found.
EMPYOEEMENT
CAN OUTWEIGH THE PROS. THIS ESSAY WILL DISCUSS THE MAIN ADVANTAGE OF BEING
Possible spelling mistake found.
EMPLYOEER
AND HOW DISADVANTAGE ARE AT LEAST CONCERN IN FRONT OF FAMILY VALUES.

ON THE ONE HAND, THE MAJOR BENEFIT OF DOING
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
BUSINESS
IS THAT IT GIVES A FLEXIBILITY IN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORKING
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
AND PLACE. AND
THUS
, THAT PERSON IS NOT BONDED TO OPT FOR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
ON
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
FIXED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
RATHER
ONE HAS A RIGHT TO OPERATE THE
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
BUSINESS
FROM ANYWHERE AND ANYTIME AT HIS CONVENIENCE.
HOWEVER
, WORKERS SHOULD BE PUNCTUAL IN THEIR
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
AND
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
AS THEY ARE
BEING PAID
FOR
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
FIXED
HOURS WORKS.
FOR EXAMPLE
, ONE OF MY FRIEND
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
OWN
'S A
Did you mean "stationery" (= materials for writing) instead of 'stationary' (= immobile/unchanged)?
STATIONARY
SHOP.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SO
WHENEVER HE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
GETS
EMERGENCY WHETHER PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL, HE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
USED
TO TAKE A DAY OFF. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
THINK
THUS
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
PEOPLE
FIND EASY AND MORE FLEXIBLE TO
Possible spelling mistake found.
OWNA
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
BUSINESS
THAN BEING EMPLOYEE.

ON THE OTHER HAND
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORKING
FOR SELF GIVES MORE BURDEN AND
Possible spelling mistake found.
RESPONSIBILTY
THAN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORKING
FOR AN EMPLOYER. ONE
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
HAS TO
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORK
MORE THAN 9 HOURS PER DAY TO INCREASE THE PROFITS AND EXPANSION OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
BUSINESS
. THIS
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
LEAVES
A LESS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
FOR THEM TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. AND
AS A RESULT
LACK OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
FOR CONVERSATION BUILD A BRIDGE IN BETWEEN THEM.
HOWEVER
, AS FAR AS THEY ARE AVAILABLE DURING NEEDED
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
, THIS
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
SMALL
PROBLEMS CAN BE
Consider using the past participle "negotiated"?
NEGOTIATE
.
FOR INSTANCE
, A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
TOLD
IN THE INTERVIEW THAT HE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
USED
TO HAVE PERSONAL ISSUES A LOT
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
BUT
AT THE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
END
EVERYTHING WORKS OUT WITH PROPER UNDERSTANDINGS.

IN CONCLUSION
, WHETHER THE INDIVIDUAL IS SELF-EMPLOYED OR
Possible spelling mistake found.
EMPLYEE
, EVERY FAMILY NEEDS SUPPORT, AFFECTION AND
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TIME
. AND THIS REQUIREMENT, A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
BUSINESS
OWNER CAN
Possible spelling mistake found.
FULLFILL
AT THE BEST.
THUS
, NEW GENERATION ARE MORE INFLUENCED WITH
Possible spelling mistake found.
OPERATINNG
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
BUSINESS
AS OWNER THAN
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORKING
FOR THE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
COMPANY
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that employment over the age of 60 is not right and creates lots of problems. So people should retire after 60 and not work. with this opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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