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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People in the past were more interested in improving their neighborhood (the area where they live) than now v.690

People in the past were more interested in improving their neighborhood (the area where they live) than now v. 690
Environmental activists believe that if people want to tackle environmental problems such as air pollution and climate change, people need to pay attention to the region they are currently living. This trend prompts a controversial issue whether our ancestors were more interest in their area they lived or we do. I firmly believe that if our neighborhood were in a dilemma where to choose us or people lived one century ago, it would definitely choose our ancestors. First and foremost, in these days people have burdon various responsibility on their shoulder. Since the world has become more and more competitive, people do not have enough time to devote it to development of their home. even when they reach home, they are obliged to increase their knowledge to survive in this world. Accordingly, the tendency of having a better neighborhood increases significantly. Secondly, the industrialization of the economic play a major role in diverting the attention of people toward environmental problems. In the past, Since the most of the professions were related to agriculture, people provided their basic necessities for their family by working on the land near their home. Accordingly, by activities like lands reclamation, they tended to lift up the quality of living. With the growth of metropolitan cities, However, the economic situation has changed and people don’t need to consider their environment to increase their welfare. As a result, they have less interested in the environment they are living Last but not least, in these days, people believe that it is government task to ameliorate their region. Due to the fact that a great part of the revenue of the government is associated with the taxes they pay to the state, they acknowledge that it does not their responsibility to concern about the place they currently live. However, the states didn’t play an important role in the past and it was habitats' task to improve their environment. In a nutshell, I adamantly believe that previous generations had a huge vested interested in their environment. I feel this way because of changing the economic situation and also they have more free time to devote it to have a more proper neighborhood.
Environmental activists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to tackle environmental problems such as air pollution and climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to pay attention to the region they are
currently
living. This trend prompts a controversial issue whether our ancestors were more interest in their area they
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lived or
we do. I
firmly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that if our neighborhood were in a dilemma where to choose us or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
one century ago, it would definitely choose our ancestors.

First
and foremost, in these days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
Possible spelling mistake found.
burdon
various responsibility on their shoulder. Since the world has become more and more competitive,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to devote it to development of their home.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
even
when they reach home, they
are obliged
to increase their knowledge to survive in this world.
Accordingly
, the tendency of having a better neighborhood increases
significantly
.

Secondly
, the industrialization of the economic play a major role in diverting the attention of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
toward environmental problems. In the past, Since the most of the professions
were related
to agriculture,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
provided their
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
for their family by working on the land near their home.
Accordingly
, by activities like lands reclamation, they tended to
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "lift".
lift up
the quality of living. With the growth of metropolitan cities,
However
, the economic situation has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t need to consider their environment to increase their welfare.
As a result
, they have less interested in the environment they are
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
living


Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, in these days,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
task to ameliorate their region. Due to the fact that a great part of the revenue of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is associated
with the taxes they pay to the state, they acknowledge that it does not their responsibility to concern about the place they
currently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
.
However
, the states didn’t play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in the past and it was
Possible spelling mistake found.
habitats&
#039; task to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their environment.

In a nutshell, I
adamantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that previous generations had a huge vested interested in their environment. I feel this way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of changing the economic situation and
also
they have more free time to devote it to have a more proper neighborhood.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay People in the past were more interested in improving their neighborhood (the area where they live) than now v. 690

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
362 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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