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some people believe that competitive sport should be included as a subject in the school while others believe that it has negative effects on children discuss both views and give your opinion v.1

some people believe that competitive sport should be included as a subject in the school while others believe that it has negative effects on children 1
Physical activities have been increasingly becoming essential for sedentary lifestyle of nowadays. As lifestyle has changed, some believe, we should include physical exercises as a mandatory part of school curriculum to come over the issue. While other support against it. I believe keeping sports as hobby or past-time will benefit society as a whole. Technology has changed our lives incredibly by each passing year. Invention of video games has huge impact on the way our children and youth spend their spare time by playing the game on their play-station, while sitting on a comfortable sofa within the walls of their home rather going outdoors and meeting people and in turn exposed to criticism of fellow pupils, feeling safe and confident. As a consequence, they become lonely and lack in interpersonal skills. However, physical activities boost our metabolism and increases oxygen level in body and mind, consequently, it increases memory, boost motivation level, adolescents feel more energetic, and they take risks and try new things each day. Additionally, eating habits of our youngsters has taken a turn to fast food which only comprise salt and fats and resulted in obesity in majority of kids. If they start doing physical exercises, it will balance the side effects on eating habit. On the other hand, by incorporating sports in school, it will increase pressure on students. Some children are not as physically strong as the others and inevitably they will perform poorer, eventually they can be target of severe criticism, which will reduce their morale. Because, when you are young you are extremely vulnerable to criticism and bullying at school. Several kids just drop out of the school because of depression and anxiety caused by it. In addition to it, they start to perform low in other subjects too, as they feel inferior and lose their confidence that they could not do anything in life. Secondly, primary and secondary school already has several subjects to give pupils glimpse of knowledge of different subject. If we include sports as integral part of the curriculum, they will get over- burden and instead of increasing performance, it could decrease it. In conclusion, I strongly think that sports should be included as extra-curricular activities, where students choose as they wish from any sport in which they have an interest. Additionally, parents can force children to do outdoor activities and fix their time in front of the play-stations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
have been
increasingly
becoming essential for sedentary lifestyle of nowadays. As lifestyle has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe, we should include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises as a mandatory part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
over the issue. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
support against it. I believe keeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as hobby or past-time will benefit society as a whole.

Technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
incredibly
by each passing year. Invention of video games has huge impact on the way our children and youth spend their spare time by playing the game on their play-station, while sitting on a comfortable sofa within the walls of their home
rather
going outdoors and meeting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and in turn exposed to criticism of fellow pupils, feeling safe and confident. As a consequence, they become lonely and lack in interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
boost our metabolism and increases oxygen level in body and mind,
consequently
, it increases memory, boost motivation level, adolescents feel more energetic, and they take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and try new things each day.
Additionally
, eating habits of our youngsters has taken a turn to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
comprise salt and fats and resulted in obesity in
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
kids. If they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercises, it will balance the side effects on eating habit.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, by incorporating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it will increase pressure on students.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
children are not as
physically
strong as the others and
inevitably
they will perform poorer,
eventually
they can be
Consider using a past participle here: "targeted".
target
of severe criticism, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their morale.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
, when you are young you are
extremely
vulnerable to criticism and bullying at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Several kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
drop out of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of depression and anxiety caused by it.
In addition
to it, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to perform low in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects too, as they feel inferior and lose their confidence that they could not do anything in life.
Secondly
, primary and secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
already has several subjects to give pupils glimpse of knowledge of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
subject. If we include
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
as integral part of the curriculum, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
over- burden and
instead
of increasing performance, it could decrease it.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be included
as extra-curricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, where students choose as they wish from any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
in which they have an interest.
Additionally
, parents can force children to do outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
their time in front of the play-stations.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay some people believe that competitive sport should be included as a subject in the school while others believe that it has negative effects on children 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
400 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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