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Some people believe that schools should include competitive sports as a subject while others believe that it has negative effects on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that schools should include competitive sports as a subject while others believe that it has negative effects on children. v. 2
In our modern world, more and more children spend more and more time engaging in activities which include competitive sports at school. There are people who argue that this is beneficial to children while others disagree. On the one hand, on a day to day basis children must sit in class for many hours a day which is too much for many of them. In addition, it is a well known fact that they have a lot of energy. Therefore, from my perspective, doing activities such as football and basketball could make them to be more relaxed during normal hours which will lead to higher marks in tests and achievements. Additionally, studies which were conducted in schools have shown that achieving high scores in tests goes hand in hand with taking part in competitive sports. For example, as far as I can remember, in my school days on Sundays It was easy to understand the teacher since we played football, whereas on the other days understanding him was like fighting an uphill battle. On the other hand, while I do not agree to this way of thinking, some people believe that the majority of children play football and alike after school hours anyway. Furthermore, if every hour spent playing was replaced with learning they would perfect their knowledge and have more opportunities in life. In conclusion, as competitive sports are essential for students’ success we should not leave them to their own devices for that matter. There are no two ways about it.
In our modern world, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend more and more time engaging in activities which include competitive sports at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. There are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who argue that this is beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
while others disagree.

On the one
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hand
, on a
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
basis
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
sit in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
a day which is too much for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them.
In addition
, it is a well known fact that they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
energy.
Therefore
, from my perspective, doing activities such as football and basketball could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to be more relaxed during normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
which will lead to higher marks in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
and achievements.
Additionally
, studies which
were conducted
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have shown that achieving high scores in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tests
goes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
with taking part in competitive sports.
For example
, as far as I can remember, in my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
days on Sundays It was easy to understand the teacher since we played football, whereas on the other days understanding him was like fighting an uphill battle.

On the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hand
, while I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this way of thinking,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play football and alike after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
anyway.
Furthermore
, if every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
spent playing
was replaced
with learning they would perfect their knowledge and have more opportunities in life.

In conclusion
, as competitive sports are essential for students’ success we should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
them to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
devices for that matter. There are no two ways about it.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people believe that schools should include competitive sports as a subject while others believe that it has negative effects on children. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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