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Some people believe that schools should include competitive sports as a subject while others believe that it has negative effects on children. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that schools should include competitive sports as a subject while others believe that it has negative effects on children. v. 1
There is an argument that centres on sports competitions of children at school by which to taught as a main class or it has nothing positive affects to kids. Even though, that can show negative side to them, in my opinion, I highly believe that competitive physical activities need to young people. On the one hand, people say that let children know about competitiveness might give bad effects to them. To begin with, competition can be hurt to their mind of co-operation with friend, if they learn about race before collabolation with others, in the future kids will be trusted nobody. In addition, if young ones cannot be together the society will be collapsed very soon. As a result, children cannot have friends and be alone getting futher and become a island that will be very big risk to the society in the futher. For example, in Japan, they are strugling issue about Hkikomori, which is people who just stay at the own room because they felt they are looser them self. On the other hand, I highly believe that competitive sports are very helpful to learn something for their future. Firstly, they can be learnt about teamwork with friend, most sports are usually teamwork, so kids will know how to team going and their rolls in the group. For example, under 20 years old football team in my country was very issue about their school life because they are helping friends more than others and always trying to do together with people who around them. Secondly, children can be more healthy, commanly sports make them physically and mentally stronger, which is one of the most important thing for kids. Lastly, it is one of method for finding their future or dreams, if they are trained well they could be a sports star of course not everyone but the rates gone higher. In conclusion, although learn competitive excercise from school could show negative side, in my point of view I am convinced that there is more positive effect to kids.
There is an argument that
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
competitions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at school by which to taught as a main
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or it has nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
affects to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
Even though
, that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side to them, in my opinion, I
highly
believe that competitive physical activities need to young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
know about competitiveness might give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
effects to them. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, competition can
be hurt
to their mind of co-operation with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
, if they learn about race
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
Possible spelling mistake found.
collabolation
with others, in the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
will
be trusted
nobody.
In addition
, if young ones cannot be together the society will
be collapsed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
cannot have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
and be alone getting
Possible spelling mistake found.
futher
and become
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
island that will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to the society in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
futher
.
For example
, in Japan, they are
Possible spelling mistake found.
strugling
issue about
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hkikomori
, which is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
stay at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
room
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they felt they are looser them self.

On the other hand
, I
highly
believe that competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful to learn something for their future.
Firstly
, they can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
about teamwork with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friend
, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
usually
teamwork,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
will know how to team going and their rolls in the group.
For example
, under 20 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
football team in my country was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
issue about their school life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
friends
more than others and always trying to do together with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who around them.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can be more healthy,
Possible spelling mistake found.
commanly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
physically
and mentally stronger, which is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
Lastly
, it is one of method for finding their future or dreams, if they
are trained
well they could be a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
star
of course
not everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the rates gone higher.

In conclusion
, although learn competitive
Possible spelling mistake found.
excercise
from school could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
side, in my point of view I
am convinced
that there is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people believe that schools should include competitive sports as a subject while others believe that it has negative effects on children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
340 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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