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Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree v.5

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational otherwise they are a complete waste of time. v. 5
In recent years, there are two different opinions, one of which is that young children should spend their whole time on the educational aimed activities, and the other of which is that there are more crucial parts with the exception of spending their time educating roles. However, I personally believe that children should contribute to various activities based on education. To begin with, it is needless to say that young generation spending a lot of time playing diverse educational activities is highly likely to become a clever person. This is more productive for children rather than watching TV or playing game. So, many parents should offer a range of brain-related activities with their children for the sake of improving their educational capacity. According to the Oxford survey, those people who involved in the Mensa organization have played with various quizzes and puzzles stimulating their brain and accelerating their thinking. Another point worth mentioning is that the teenagers spending amounts of time reading books are significantly prone to success in their later life. It is no longer difficult to find the situation that the most successful people have published their own books with respect to the secrets of thriving their business or field, and they always say that reading books habits are leading to success when they were much younger, which means that various educational activities make people smart and wise. On top of that, when they attend the primary school, the young children who have spent many time educating through diverse activities are highly likely to get higher scores on the basis of already training in childhood. In conclusion, it is still debatable whether or not, the children should spend their priceless time on activities associated with education. However, I personally convinced that it is more beneficial for them to enhance their various brain abilities in an educative way.
In recent years, there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, one of which is that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend their whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
aimed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, and the other of which is that there are more crucial parts
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
educating roles.
However
, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should contribute to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
based on education.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it is needless to say that young generation spending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is
highly
likely to become a clever person. This is more productive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rather
than watching TV or playing game.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents should offer a range of brain-related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
for the sake of improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
capacity. According to the Oxford survey, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who involved in the Mensa organization have played with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
quizzes and puzzles stimulating their brain and accelerating their thinking.

Another point worth mentioning is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
spending amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
reading books are
significantly
prone to success in their later life. It is no longer difficult to find the situation that the most successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have published their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
books with respect to the secrets of thriving their business or field, and they always say that reading books habits are leading to success when they were much younger, which means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
smart and wise.
On top of that
, when they attend the primary school, the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
educating through diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are
highly
likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
higher scores on the basis of already training in childhood.

In conclusion
, it is
still
debatable
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend their priceless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
associated with education.
However
, I
personally
convinced that it is more beneficial for them to enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
brain abilities
Consider replacing "in an educative way" with the adverb for "educative"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an educative way
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational otherwise they are a complete waste of time. v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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