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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.6

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 6
In today’s work culture, the majority of people do not get sufficient time to do exercise, and as a result, these people suffer from health issues. In my opinion, this is largely due to the highly demanding work culture, and it can be solved by maintaining a proper work-life balance. In a highly competitive job market, people work over-time to not to lose their job, which makes them busy the entire day, and when they reach their home, they are already exhausted. Owing to this, more often then not, people prefer to spend their after-work hours leisurely after a busy day. As a result, they face numerous health problems. For example, a recent survey by the newspaper, Times of India concluded that 63 per cent of working professionals spend their evenings watching television with their family or with their friends. This is the main reason why people do not find enough time for exercise. There are several alternatives to make sure that people get enough time to do exercise. Firstly, companies can help people by setting strict work hours. This will help people to get enough rest, and maintain a good work-life balance. Secondly, employees should find better methods to complete work on time to improve productivity. It will, thereby, help them save time for other physical activities. Lastly, people should understand the importance of one’s health and following a healthy lifestyle by building good dietary habits. To conclude, people, who are employed, often find themselves busy the entire day and do not have sufficient time for doing any physical activities, and consequently have several health issues. It is largely due to over-demanding work culture, and it can be solved by maintaining a good work-life balance and following a healthy lifestyle.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
culture, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do exercise, and
as a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues. In my opinion, this is
largely
due to the
highly
demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
culture, and it can
be solved
by maintaining a proper work-life balance.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
a
highly
competitive job market,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
over-time
One 'to' seems to be obsolete.
to not to
lose their job, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them busy the entire day, and when they reach their home, they are already exhausted. Owing to this, more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
Did you mean "than"?
then
not,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to spend their after-work hours
leisurely
after a busy day.
As a result
, they face numerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problems.
For example
, a recent survey by the newspaper,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Times
of India concluded that 63 per cent of working professionals spend their evenings watching television with their family or with their friends. This is the main reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercise.

There are several alternatives to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do exercise.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by setting strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
hours. This will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
rest, and maintain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
work-life balance.
Secondly
, employees should find better methods to complete
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
productivity. It will, thereby,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for other physical activities.
Lastly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should understand the importance of one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and following a healthy lifestyle by building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
dietary habits.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who
are employed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
find themselves busy the entire day and do not have sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for doing any physical activities, and
consequently
have several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues. It is
largely
due to over-demanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
culture, and it can
be solved
by maintaining a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
work-life balance and following a healthy lifestyle.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
291 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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