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some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses. v. 1
It is true that an increasing number of people think that children usually learn academic subjects at school but not many practical skills. However, I strongly disagree with the notion that school should teach children with only theoretical knowledge as studying practical subjects such as fixing cars and bank account maintenance are substantial for their future survival and job prospects. To begin, having knowledge about some hand-on practical skills can open doors for the part-time employment. Apparently, they can work simultaneously, to ease off the financial stress of their parents, and gain a tertiary education. For instance, majority of high school students in India prefer to work as part-time trainees in their leisure time to fund their own graduation. Consequently, studying such subjects is advantageous for children who study only until secondary school. Even if they are unable to study afterwards, they can still get a job and survive comfortably. In addition to this, some learner find it difficult to concentrate on studies and hence, fail to acquire degree required for getting employed for company. For such students, these skills can act as a survivor and they can earn their own livelihood. For instance, one of my cousins was not able to complete his graduation even after several attempts yet he managed to establish his own own shop for the house maintenance since he was having knowledge about the same. Thus, the benefits of garnering such skills are difficult to debunk. To conclude, both academic and practical subject have their benefits for the children, but I believe that more emphasis should be given to topics which will be truly worthwhile in life. School should not stuff children with only academic knowledge but more importance should be given to everyday assistance.
It is true that an increasing number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
usually
learn academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
.
However
, I
strongly
disagree with the notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
as studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as fixing cars and bank account maintenance are substantial for their future survival and job prospects.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hand-on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
can open doors for the part-time employment.
Apparently
, they can work
simultaneously
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
off the financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of their parents, and gain a tertiary education.
For instance
,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students in India prefer to work as part-time trainees in their leisure time to fund their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
graduation.
Consequently
, studying such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
is advantageous for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
until secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Even if they are unable to study afterwards, they can
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job and survive
comfortably
.

In addition
to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "learners"?
learner
find it difficult to concentrate on studies and
hence
, fail to acquire degree required for getting employed for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. For such students, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
can act as a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
survivor and
they can earn their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
livelihood.
For instance
, one of my cousins was not able to complete his graduation even after several attempts
yet
he managed to establish his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
shop for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
maintenance since he was having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about the same.
Thus
, the benefits of garnering such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are difficult to debunk.

To conclude
, both academic and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
have their benefits for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that more emphasis should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to topics which will be
truly
worthwhile in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
should not stuff
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
more importance should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to everyday assistance.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay some people believe that children should study practical skills as managing a bank account, car maintenance, as well as traditional academic courses. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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