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Some people believe that children should go to extra classes after school. Others, however, think that children should spend that time playing instead. Discuses both views and give your own opinion. v.3

Some people believe that children should go to extra classes after school. Others, however, think that children should spend that time playing instead. Discuses both views and give your own opinion. v. 3
These days parents are becoming more concerned with their children and especially how their free time is occupied. Although many people opine children’s leisure hours should be fully occupied by after-school activities, I strongly believe that, in spite of its merits, children need to be free to do whatever they want. Adults always complain of being suffered by lack of enough time to accomplish their goals, whereas children are blessed with sufficient leisure time, often wasted easily and worthlessly. Children’s spare time should be harnessed in a constructive and practical way; as a result, it paves the way for being succeed in following stages of their life, in addition to avoid boring them. Accordingly, they can acquire different skills such as foreign languages, sports and music accrued by utilizing childhood after-school free time and they therefore can enjoy their skillfulness and abilities during their adulthood when it would be not easily possible to gain these skills due to hectic life. On the other hand, ironically, much exposure to organized learning plans, rather than doing entertaining activities, adversely affects a child’s mind and it is likely to cause anxiety and some emotional illness like trauma in the future. Contrarily, parents, correlating with psychology, are requested to leave their sons and daughters free to play how much they want within their free hours and they are recommended not being too much obsessed about their time wasted because this is exactly what children require to be raised healthily. Children’s mind are developed sustainability through enjoyable activities and also their potentialities are not actualized but via playing game. Hence parents are intellectual, to whom psychologists-recommended methods of child rearing are given a marked preference rather than their wishes, often stemmed from their inferiority complex and lack of confidence, to put their children under intense pressure to succeed simplistically. To recapitulate, the training classes, planned to occupy pupils’ leisure hours, seem worthwhile; nonetheless, entertainment should be taken precedence and children have not to be constrained to participate in such extra classes.
These days parents are becoming more concerned with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
especially
how their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is occupied
. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
leisure hours should be
fully
occupied by after-school activities, I
strongly
believe that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
its merits,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
to do whatever they want.

Adults always complain of
being suffered
by lack of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to accomplish their goals, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are blessed
with sufficient leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
wasted
easily
and
worthlessly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be harnessed
in a constructive and practical way;
as a result
, it paves the way for being
Consider using a past participle here: "succeeded".
succeed
in following stages of their life,
in addition
to avoid boring them.
Accordingly
, they can acquire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as foreign languages, sports and music accrued by utilizing childhood after-school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they
therefore
can enjoy their skillfulness and abilities during their adulthood when it would be not
easily
possible to gain these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
due to hectic life.

On the other hand
,
ironically
, much exposure to organized learning plans,
rather
than doing entertaining activities,
adversely
affects a child’s mind and it is likely to cause anxiety and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
emotional illness like trauma in the future.
Contrarily
, parents, correlating with psychology,
are requested
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their sons and daughters
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
to play how much they want within their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
hours and
they
are recommended
not being too much obsessed about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
wasted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
this is exactly what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
require to
be raised
healthily
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children’s
mind
are developed
sustainability through enjoyable activities and
also
their potentialities are not actualized
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
via playing game.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
parents are intellectual, to whom psychologists-recommended methods of child rearing are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a marked preference
rather
than their wishes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
stemmed from their inferiority complex and lack of confidence, to put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
under intense pressure to succeed
simplistically
.

To recapitulate, the training classes, planned to occupy pupils’ leisure hours, seem worthwhile; nonetheless, entertainment should
be taken
precedence and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have not to
be constrained
to participate in such extra classes.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should go to extra classes after school. Others, however, think that children should spend that time playing instead. Discuses both views and give your own opinion. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
336 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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