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Some people believe that children should go to extra classes after school. Others, however, think that children should spend that time playing instead. Discuses both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people believe that children should go to extra classes after school. Others, however, think that children should spend that time playing instead. Discuses both views and give your own opinion. v. 1
Whether or not children should attend extra classes after school depends upon the quality of education they receive at school. Children who receive excellent coaching from their school probably don’t have to attend extra classes. However, this is not always the case. In many schools, there are too many children in one class. It is nearly impossible for the teacher to pay attention to all of them. In my opinion, such children will need to attend extra classes after school. For example, in Mumbai almost all students attend coaching classes after school. Private coaching institutes are mushrooming there. They charge a hefty fee. Still, even poor parents send their children to these coaching institutes because they are worried that their children might get poor grades if they didn’t receive extra coaching. Schools in Mumbai are overcrowded and that limits the amount of attention each student can receive from school. Students in many parts of the world face this problem. In such situations extra coaching often becomes a necessity. Unfortunately, there is another side to this. When children spend much of their time in schools and coaching classes, they get hardly any time for themselves. Children who don’t play often develop health problems like obesity and diabetes. Many of them also suffer from anxiety and depression because they are under constant pressure to obtain better grades. A lot of parents and schools simply don’t understand the importance of play. Many of them do not even allow their children to pursue extracurricular activities when they are in high school. While some students certainly need to focus more on academics to get better grades, others may wilt under too much academic pressure. To conclude, parents should allow children to decide whether they need extra coaching or not. Students enrolled in good schools probably don’t need extra coaching. But if parents or the students are concerned that they might need extra attention, there is no harm in attending coaching classes. They should still ensure that they set aside at least an hour a day for play.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
depends upon the quality of education they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
probably
don’t
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
.
However
, this is not always the case.

In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, there are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
. It is
nearly
impossible for the teacher to pay attention to all of them. In my opinion, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
For example
, in Mumbai almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
institutes are mushrooming there. They charge a hefty fee.
Still
, even poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
institutes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are worried
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
poor grades if they didn’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Schools
in Mumbai
are overcrowded
and that limits the amount of attention each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
receive
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world face this problem. In such situations
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
becomes a necessity.

Unfortunately, there is another side to this. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend much of their time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hardly any time for themselves.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
who don’t play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
develop health problems like obesity and diabetes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them
also
suffer from anxiety and depression
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are under constant pressure to obtain better grades.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
simply
don’t understand the importance of play.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of them do not even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to pursue extracurricular activities when they are in high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
certainly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to focus more on academics to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better grades, others may wilt under too much academic pressure.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to decide whether they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
or not.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
enrolled in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
probably
don’t
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are concerned
that they might
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
attention, there is no harm in attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
coaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
classes
. They should
still
ensure that they set aside at least an hour a day for play.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
69Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should go to extra classes after school. Others, however, think that children should spend that time playing instead. Discuses both views and give your own opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
342 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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