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In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? v.3

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? v. 3
In my opinion, an egalitarian society is one in which everyone has the same rights and the same opportunities. I completely agree that people can achieve more in this kind of society. Education is an important factor with regard to personal success in life. I believe that all children should have access to free schooling, and higher education should be either free or affordable for all those who chose to pursue a university degree. In a society without free schooling or affordable higher education, only children and young adults from wealthier families would have access to the best learning opportunities, and they would therefore be better prepared for the job market. This kind of inequality would ensure the success of some but harm the prospects of others. I would argue that equal rights and opportunities are not in conflict with people’s freedom to succeed or fail. In other words, equality does not mean that people lose their motivation to succeed, or that they are not allowed to fail. On the contrary, I believe that most people would feel more motivated to work hard and reach their potential if they thought that they lived in a fair society. Those who did not make the same effort would know that they had wasted their opportunity. Inequality, on the other hand, would be more likely to demotivate people because they would know that the odds of success were stacked in favour of those from privileged backgrounds. In conclusion, it seems to me that there is a positive relationship between equality and personal success.
In my opinion, an egalitarian society is one in which everyone has the same rights and the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can achieve more in this kind of society.

Education is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor with regard to personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in life. I believe that all children should have access to free schooling, and higher education should be either free or affordable for all those who chose to pursue a university degree. In a society without free schooling or affordable higher education,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
children and young adults from wealthier families would have access to the best learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
, and they would
therefore
be better prepared for the job market. This kind of inequality would ensure the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
harm the prospects of others.

I would argue that equal rights and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunities
are not in conflict with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
freedom to succeed or fail.
In other words
, equality does not mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
lose their motivation to succeed, or that they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to fail.
On the contrary
, I believe that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would feel more motivated to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and reach their potential if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
society. Those who did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the same effort would know that they had wasted their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
opportunity
. Inequality,
on the other hand
, would be more likely to demotivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they would know that the odds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
were stacked
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of those from privileged backgrounds.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that there is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
relationship between equality and personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between equality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. What is your view of the relationship between equality and personal success? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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