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Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. do you agree or disagree? v.8

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 8
The obesity has become a major concern in recent years, most of the youngsters are suffering with this problem, especially, in wealthy nations. This essay will explain the causes behind this trend and possible solutions for overcoming this contentious issue. There are two main factors are associated with this problem; however, the most important one is a lack of exercise. Since the growing popularity of video games among young children, they spend most of their time on computers to play games. For example, a recent survey by the United States demonstrated that 75% of youngsters preferred playing video games at home instead of playing with friends in the park. Moreover, junk food is replacing home- made meal. Both parents are doing jobs and they do not enough time to cook at home. They may give money to their offsprings to buy food. In most of cases, given money is spent on processed items by children at school. Thus, these two factors are contributing to increasing rates of obesity With regards to solutions, coping with this growing issue, both parent and government can play an important role. Firstly, the parents should not only teach the importance of fresh fruits and vegetables, but also provide them fresh food. Secondly, government can restrict sales of junk foodstuff and soft drinks at school cafeteria. If this problem is not solved in time, it may have detrimental consequences for future generation too. The above mentioned steps can assist to mitigate the disease of obesity at a greater extent. In conclusion, Increasing obesity is extremely serious issue. The factors, lack of exercise and instant food contribute to gain weight which leads to obesity. Parents and government need to take appropriate steps to reduce this problem.
The obesity has become a major concern in recent years, most of the youngsters are suffering with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
,
especially
, in wealthy nations. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the causes behind this trend and possible solutions for overcoming this contentious issue.

There are two main factors
are associated
with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
;
however
, the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
one is a lack of exercise. Since the growing popularity of video games among young children, they spend most of their time on computers to play games.
For example
, a recent survey by the United States demonstrated that 75% of youngsters preferred playing video games at home
instead
of playing with friends in the park.
Moreover
, junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is replacing home- made meal. Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are doing
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
jobs and
they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to cook at home. They may give money to their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. In
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the cases") or simply say "most cases".
most of cases
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
money
is spent
on processed items by children at school.
Thus
, these two factors are contributing to increasing rates of obesity

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
solutions, coping with

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
growing issue, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
teach the importance of fresh fruits and vegetables,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
provide them fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can restrict sales of junk foodstuff and soft drinks at school cafeteria. If this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is not solved in time, it may have detrimental consequences for future generation too. The above mentioned steps can assist to mitigate the disease of obesity at a greater extent.

In conclusion
, Increasing obesity is
extremely
serious issue. The factors, lack of exercise and instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
contribute to gain weight which leads to obesity.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
need to take appropriate steps to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 8

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
289 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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