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Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 1
Some people think that money management should be taught to children in school. I completely agree that when lessons on managing money are introduced to tender minds of children during their school, it will not only teach them the value of money but also help them know the importance of savings. Firstly, it is very essential to for school children to understand the value of money. Teachers can ask them to maintain a pocket money dairy listing all their expenses for the month which could be later reviewed and analysed. This way they could understand the difference between necessary and useless expenditure. For example, now-a-days as soon as children get pocket money they either spend it on junk food or on unnecessary toys. Instead of spending on eatables they use that amount to purchase their stationary items. Thus, helping them in relalizing how money should be properly used and what is it emphasis in day to day life. Moreover, savings is also an important component of money management. It is to be induced in the daily habits at an early age for fruitful results. To this, piggy banks especially made for children are of great help. They allow them to make their small investments as savings which could be later utilized when needed. For instance, kids can make use of their amounts saved in piggy banks when they want to buy a present for their friend's birthday party or to get something for themselves. This would emphasize the role of savings in one's life and how it can be beneficial in long run. To summarize, I would say that it the best time during school to teach a child about the importance of money management by teaching them how to spend and how to save. Hence preparing them for a brighter future ahead.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management should
be taught
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that when lessons on managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
are introduced
to tender minds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
teach them the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them know the importance of savings.

Firstly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
essential to for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. Teachers can ask them to maintain a pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
dairy listing all their expenses for the month which could be later reviewed and
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
. This way they could understand the difference between necessary and useless expenditure.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
-a-days as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
they either spend it on junk food or on unnecessary toys.
Instead
of spending on eatables they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that amount to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
their stationary items.
Thus
, helping them in
Possible spelling mistake found.
relalizing
how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
should be
properly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
and what is it emphasis in day to day life.

Moreover
, savings is
also
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
component of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management. It is to
be induced
in the daily habits at an early age for fruitful results. To this, piggy banks
especially
made for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are of great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
investments as savings which could be later utilized when needed.
For instance
, kids can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of their amounts saved in piggy banks when they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a present for their friend's birthday party or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
something for themselves. This would emphasize the role of savings in one's life and how it can be beneficial in long run.

To summarize
, I would say that
Did you mean "is" or "it is"?
it
the best time during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to teach a child about the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management by teaching them how to spend and how to save.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
preparing them for a brighter future ahead.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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