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Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 3
The proper use of money while buying different things is called money management. It is true that the wise use of money always help children to fulfil their needs and wishes. Therefore, I strongly agreed that children should be trained in schools on how to spend money carefully. (48) We had seen in the past that people had limited resources and lack of education. However, they always take great care of their children. They fulfil all the wishes and needs of their children, but always advised them to use the money wisely. (42) Presently, the phenomenon of money management is spreading greatly among children all over the world. Nowadays, all the popular institutions are arranging lectures for children on how to manage money. There are several reasons behind this great initiative. First of all, in schools, children always considered teachers as their role models. So when a teacher asks them to manage money, the students must follow his instructions. Secondly, schools always offered a learning environment for children in a disciplined way. So lessons on money management are really beneficial for children if arranged as a part of extracurricular activities. (97) The recent attention of educational institutions towards overall grooming of children has greatly inspired the children as well as their parents. Thus, if the schools keep on training children to manage money, then our new generation will surely be able to fulfil all their wishes and needs from their own pocket money. (52) Hence, I believed that it is the moral duty of all schools to arrange lectures on money management so that children must realize the importance of money and always spend it carefully. (32)
The proper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
while buying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things
is called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
. It is true that the wise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to fulfil their needs and wishes.
Therefore
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be trained
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
on how to spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
carefully
. (48)

We had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the past that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
had limited resources and lack of education.
However
, they always take great care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They fulfil all the wishes and needs of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
always advised them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
wisely
. (42)

Presently
, the phenomenon of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
is spreading
greatly
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
all over the world. Nowadays, all the popular institutions are arranging lectures for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. There are several reasons behind this great initiative.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always considered teachers as their role models.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
when a teacher asks them to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, the students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
follow his instructions.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
always offered a learning environment for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in a disciplined way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
lessons on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
are
really
beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
if arranged as a part of extracurricular activities. (97)

The recent attention of educational institutions towards
overall
grooming of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has
greatly
inspired the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as well
as their parents.
Thus
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
on training
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, then our new generation will
surely
be able to fulfil all their wishes and needs from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. (52)

Hence
, I believed that it is the moral duty of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to arrange lectures on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
management
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
realize the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and always spend it
carefully
. (32)
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
276 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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