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Some say old people should continue to work, if their condition allows them to do so. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some say old people should continue to work, if their condition allows them to do so. v. 1
Many children or teenagers have been advanced nowadays. Moreover, having a fixed schedule in daily routine life is made men perfect who wants to achieve their goal of doing some extra activities. However, some individuals said, children can feel free after his or her school hours, so they have to use it to stay home with family or taking a valuable nape. I support the former view with the details rather than the second given statement. The daily routine activities that describe the extra talent in the children having instead of only the academic skills and knowledge. Even more, it will help them to achieve some extraordinary achievements in this competitive society. Also, they could get the chance to refresh their minds and robust this energy out of the educational environment. If today's generation joins the extra curriculum classes before or after school period, they can show up their ability to do extra achievements in the world. For instance, joining drawing classes or dancing classes that help to gain their hobby's skill of that child. As far as, they could able to enjoy their hobby, parents should focus on their children's interesting hobby's activities. On the other side, the students who doesn't interested to do some extra instead of the educational activities, then the family time is the best option for them. Although, joining a family clock, especially with the grandparents is the best choice for them. So, they can learn something new from their grand guardian's stories and they can teach something in their daily lifestyle. For example, some grandparents also like to tell a story to his grandson so either, both the way they can enjoy their life and live a happy life in society. In the results, even though, the children have been interested to bust up their skills or hobbies in the future, it will help them to achieve extraordinary achievements and give the challenging competitions to others. Instead of sitting at home and passing the valuable clocking with a relaxing mood the good skills are the best option in today's advanced world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
have
been advanced
nowadays.
Moreover
, having a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
schedule in daily routine life
is made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
perfect who wants to achieve their goal of doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
activities.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals said,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can feel free after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
school hours,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to stay home with family or taking a valuable nape. I support the former view with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
rather
than the second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
statement.

The daily routine activities that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
talent in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
having
instead
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and knowledge. Even more, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to achieve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extraordinary achievements in this competitive society.
Also
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance to refresh their minds and robust this energy out of the educational environment. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's generation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joins
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
curriculum classes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
or after school period, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
up their ability to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
achievements in the world.
For instance
, joining drawing classes or dancing classes that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to gain their hobby's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
of that child. As far as, they
Did you mean "could be able"?
could able
to enjoy their hobby, parents should focus on their children's interesting hobby's activities.

On the other side, the students who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'students' should be used.
doesn
't interested to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
instead
of the educational activities, then the family time is the best option for them. Although, joining a family clock,
especially
with the grandparents is the best choice for them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they can learn something new from their grand guardian's
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
stories and
they can teach something in their daily lifestyle.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
grandparents
also
like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
a story to his grandson
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
either, both the way they can enjoy their life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a happy life in society.

In the results,
even though
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
been interested
to bust up their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or hobbies in the future, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to achieve extraordinary achievements and give the challenging competitions to others.
Instead
of sitting at home and passing the valuable clocking with a relaxing mood the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are the best option in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's advanced world.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some say old people should continue to work, if their condition allows them to do so. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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