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Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. Do you agree or disagree? v.4

Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 4
Money management plays a vital role in the materialistic world; therefore, some people consider that schools should teach kids how to use their money, whereas others believe schools should put more emphasis on preparing children for academic abilities rather than money management. To see whether this practice is worth being carried out, we should take numerous aspects into account before making the decision. There is no difficulty in understanding why providing children courses on how to manage money in the school is highly acclaimed by certain groups. To begin with, susceptible young people do not have proper concepts to use their allowance. For example, they are easily allured by fancy advertisements and believe functions and advantages they boost doubtlessly. A lot of money may be wasted on useless goods as a consequence. Furthermore, if kids do not cultivate good habits to allocate their pocket money, they may run out of them in a short period. When growing up, they may find it hard to save enough money to purchase a vehicle or a house. On the other side, some people deem that school should put a priority on arming kids with excellent academic skills. Today we live in a competitive society. If students want to get a higher paid in the future, they must be good at academic capabilities and score good grades to acquire admission to a prestigious university. Consequently, schools should pay more attention to teaching kids academic knowledge. Some people deem that schools are supposed to pay much emphasis on students’ academic abilities rather than money management; however, from my perspective, how to manage money is a necessary skill that children should also learn in the school.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Money
management plays a vital role in the materialistic world;
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, whereas others believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should put more emphasis on preparing children for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
abilities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
whether this practice is worth
being carried
out, we should take numerous aspects into account
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making the decision.

There is no difficulty in understanding why providing children courses on how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is
highly
acclaimed by certain groups. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, susceptible young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have proper concepts to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their allowance.
For example
, they are
easily
allured by fancy advertisements and believe functions and advantages they boost
doubtlessly
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
may
be wasted
on useless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goods
as a consequence.
Furthermore
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
do not cultivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
habits to allocate their pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they may run out of them in a short period. When growing up, they may find it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
a vehicle or a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

On the other side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should put a priority on arming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
with excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a competitive society. If students want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a higher paid in the future, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
capabilities and score
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
grades to acquire admission to a prestigious university.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should pay more attention to teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
knowledge.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are supposed
to pay much emphasis on students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
abilities
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
management;
however
, from my perspective, how to manage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is a necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
that children should
also
learn in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should be given lessons on how to manage money in the school. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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