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In many countries senior positions have higher salaries compared to those of young workers of the same company. Some people think this isn’t justified. Do you agree or disagree v.1

In many countries senior positions have higher salaries compared to those of young workers of the same company. Some people think this isn’t justified. v. 1
While some believe that rewarding those in managerial positions with higher pay packets is appropriate, not everyone agrees with this view. Personally, I am leaning towards the latter position due to negative impacts caused by significant difference in salaries within a company. For one, executive officers should know that higher than sufficient salaries are not necessary. Indeed, the higher the remuneration they receive, the more likely the company to suffer from devoid of financial capability. Furthermore, they often gain powers that money can’t buy. For instance, they often make important decisions over how to make their company thrive. They are also entitled to allocate company’s budget and designate tasks to other workers. In lieu of these non-financial entitlements, they should refrain from earning more than reasonable amounts as salaries. Unreasonably high salaries granted to the executives can also afflict other employees. In fact, it is foreseeable that many employees would feel powerless or even disappointment when they find out about the huge salary gap between the executive officers’ and theirs. Accordingly, some may leave the company, and others may go on to strike and demand a pay increase. However, those actions hardly be productive nor worthy to do. Therefore, unfair salary systems like this would yield unhealthy working environment for both employers and employees. In conclusion, I oppose to provide those in managerial roles with obscene amounts of compensation because it can cost the company its prosperity and discourage other employees to work hard. Thus it is recommended for the company to decide on the salaries of executive officers and general workers by adopting a more motivating salary system.
While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that rewarding those in managerial positions with higher pay packets is appropriate, not everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agrees
with this view.
Personally
, I am leaning towards the latter position due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts caused by significant difference in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
within a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

For one,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executive
officers should know that higher than sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
are not necessary.
Indeed
, the higher the remuneration they receive, the more likely the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to suffer from devoid of financial capability.
Furthermore
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
gain powers that money can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
.
For instance
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
decisions over how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
thrive. They are
also
entitled to allocate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
budget and designate tasks to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
workers. In lieu of these non-financial entitlements, they should refrain from earning more than reasonable amounts as salaries.

Unreasonably
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
granted to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executives
can
also
afflict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
employees. In fact, it is foreseeable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
employees would feel powerless or even disappointment when they find out about the huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
gap between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executive
officers’ and theirs.
Accordingly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
may go on to strike and demand a pay increase.
However
, those actions
The adverb 'hardly' usually goes after the verb 'be'.
hardly be
productive nor worthy to do.
Therefore
, unfair
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
systems like this would yield unhealthy working environment for both employers and employees.

In conclusion
, I oppose to provide those in managerial roles with obscene amounts of compensation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it can cost the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
its prosperity and discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
employees to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it
is recommended
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
to decide on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
executive
officers and general workers by adopting a more motivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
system.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries senior positions have higher salaries compared to those of young workers of the same company. Some people think this isn’t justified. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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