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Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. What do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age? v.3

Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. What do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age? v. 3
Nowadays, children's are way too smarter than the older generation. They are super active and have keen interest in knowing everything around them. In my opine, offsprings should indulge in some learning activities as soon as possible so that there mind should be grown in the right avenue. To attain this attitude they should start attending school at early stage of their lives to gain exposure and to communicate with their same age juveniles. If parents let their child stay at home and play all day, then they are not helping them but, stopping their mental as well as physical growth. In today's era, children have keen interest in learning different things and have curiosity to gain comprehension what's happening around them. By attending school they feel confident enough to face the world at an early stage as some of the kids feel shy and would not want to communicate with anyone if captivated at home for around six to seven years. For instance, my niece who has turned six last month have a introvert behaviour till five years when she was not attending school. After five years her parents decided to send her school, and they were flabbergasted watching her behaviour turned upside down. She has so much opened up since then and also actively speaks with everyone which is a great deal for parents watching their child shine like this. On the other hand, kids who are just playing some lame games at home till six to seven years, are not strong enough physically as well as mentally. If parent's won't allow their children to think out of the box then how could be they become creative. For example, some children who does not attend school at their early stage lacks the skills to identify things around them which later in life creates problem in both the parent's and child's life. Juveniles of this age have alot of apprehension about things around them and their usefulness. To conclude, children's should attend school at their early stage of life for their betterment and their luminous future. In my opinion, advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Nowadays, children's are way
The word 'to' seems to be wrong here.
too smarter
than the older generation. They are super active and have keen interest in knowing everything
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
them. In my opine,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
should indulge in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
learning activities as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that there mind should
be grown
in the right avenue. To attain this attitude they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stage
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to gain exposure and to communicate with their same age juveniles. If parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
their child stay at home and play all day, then they are not helping them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, stopping their mental
as well
as physical growth.

In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's era, children have keen interest in learning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things and have curiosity to gain comprehension what's happening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
them. By attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
they feel confident
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to face the world at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stage
as
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
kids feel shy and would not want to communicate with anyone if captivated at home for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
six to seven years.
For instance
, my niece who has turned six last month have
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
introvert
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
till five years when she was not attending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. After five years her parents decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, and they
were flabbergasted
watching her
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
turned upside down. She has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much opened up since then and
also
actively
speaks with everyone which is a great deal for parents watching their child shine like this.

On the other hand
, kids who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
playing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
lame games at home till six to seven years, are not strong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
physically
as well
as mentally. If parent's won't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their children to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
out of the box then how could be they become creative.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
children who
Did you mean "do"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
does
not attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stage
lacks the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to identify things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
them which later in life creates problem in both the parent's and child's life. Juveniles of this age have
Possible spelling mistake found.
alot
of apprehension about things
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
them and their usefulness.

To conclude
, children's should attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stage
of life for their betterment and their luminous future. In my opinion, advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children should be allowed to stay at home and play until they are six or seven years old. Others believe that it is important for young children to go to school as soon as possible. What do you think are the advantages of attending school from a young age? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
354 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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