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Some people believe that charity organisations should help people wherever they live, others think they should attend their countries only. Discuss both and give your opinion v.1

Some people believe that charity organisations should help people wherever they live, others think they should attend their countries only. 1
Some people are of the opinion that music is an excellent way of uniting individuals of all ages and cultures together in a place. In my opinion, I totally agree with this view because of the love for music as an art and the therapeutic benefits one will get from it. The reason why songs unite people of all eras and traditions is the love they have for it. Like football, music makes people forget their age gap, race or skin color and they come together to enjoy the rhythm. While listening to the harmony, people can relax, talk about their challenges and even obtain the solution for their problem. Afro beat in Nigeria, for instance, is enjoyed by both the young and old. So, the desire for good sound brings people of diverse periods together and gives them a sense of belonging. Another reason why I agree that musicc brings people together is that it is therapeutic. It soothes the soul irrespective of the language, it is sung. In other words, listening to the composition relieves any anxiety one can feel, keeps the mind healthy and also promote adequate sleep. Consequently, prolonging the life span of the youngsters and senior citizens. In hospitals, for example, the songs are utilized to divert people's attention, especially in the management of Pain. So, regardless of the culture and senility of people, tunes unite them. In conclusion, I completely agree with the view that the love for the art and the therapeutic benefits makes people of all time and traditions come together. If music as an art is practised, the world will definitely be a better place.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an excellent way of uniting individuals of all ages and cultures together in a place. In my opinion, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as an art and the therapeutic benefits one will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
from it.

The reason why songs unite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all eras and traditions is the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
they have for it. Like football,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
forget their age gap, race or skin
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
color and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together to enjoy the rhythm. While listening to the harmony,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can relax, talk about their challenges and even obtain the solution for their problem. Afro beat in Nigeria,
for instance
,
is enjoyed
by both the young and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the desire for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sound brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of diverse periods together and gives them a sense of belonging.

Another reason why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
Possible spelling mistake found.
musicc
brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together is that it is therapeutic. It soothes the soul irrespective of the language, it
is sung
.
In other words
, listening to the composition relieves any anxiety one can feel,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
the mind healthy and
also
promote adequate sleep.
Consequently
, prolonging the life span of the youngsters and senior citizens. In hospitals,
for example
, the songs
are utilized
to divert
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attention,
especially
in the management of Pain.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, regardless of the culture and senility of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, tunes unite them.

In conclusion
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the view that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
for the art and the therapeutic benefits
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all time and traditions
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
together. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as an art is
Possible spelling mistake. 'practised' is British English.
practised
, the world will definitely be a better place.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that charity organisations should help people wherever they live, others think they should attend their countries only. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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