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Some people believe that all teenagers should have to do unpaid work during their free time in order to help the local community. They think this would benefit the teenagers doing the unpaid work but also society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that all teenagers should have to do unpaid work during their free time in order to help the local community. They think this would benefit the teenagers doing the unpaid work but also society as a whole. v. 2
Nowadays, whether dangerous sports should be banned has attracted numerous controversies and drawn the public's attention. Some people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned, while others hold the view that there is no relation between dangerous sports and activities. In my opinion, the sports does have an influence on human behaviour due to social and psychological reasons. First and foremost, the social reason is why I think the sports has an influence on human behaviour. Although, potentially negative impacts of dangerous sports must be taken into account. I still reckon that the existence of sports has in many ways enormously enriched people's lives. For example, a well-known American philosopher once said, people are generally happy to become a part of sport society. It is thus clearly shown that human behaviour is changed by different sports. In addition, another factor that should be considered is the psychological reason. As far as the society is concerned, the ultimate aim of sports is to provide good health. For instance, a recent article published by the economist reveals that 80% of students become more healthy after a sport policy has been enacted. Undoubtedly, this is a clear indication that the dangerous sports have a positive impact on individuals' behaviour. In conclusion, I hold the view that the dangerous sport changes human behaviour. To address this issue, the government and society should make a concerted effort to find solutions.
Nowadays, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be banned
has attracted numerous controversies and drawn the public's attention.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be banned
, while others hold the view that there is no relation between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and activities. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
does have an influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
due to social and psychological reasons.

First
and foremost, the social reason is why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
has an influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
,
potentially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
into account. I
still
reckon that the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
has in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways
enormously
enriched
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For example
, a well-known American philosopher once said,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
generally
happy to become a part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
society. It is
thus
clearly
shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sports.

In addition
, another factor that should
be considered
is the psychological reason. As far as the society
is concerned
, the ultimate aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
is to provide
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.
For instance
, a recent article published by the economist reveals that 80% of students become more healthy after a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
policy has
been enacted
.
Undoubtedly
, this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
indication that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on individuals'
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

In conclusion
, I hold the view that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. To address this issue, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and society should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a concerted effort to find solutions.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay Some people believe that all teenagers should have to do unpaid work during their free time in order to help the local community. They think this would benefit the teenagers doing the unpaid work but also society as a whole. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
236 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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