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Some people think that teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the teenagers and society as a whole. Do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people think that teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the teenagers and society as a whole. v. 2
It is believed by some people that juveniles should be involved in some kind of volunteer work in their spare time to provide a helping hand to the local community. I firmly believe that this practice should be followed as both the teenagers as well as the society would get its benefits. By getting involved in such activities, children would develop characteristics of compassion and empathy at a young age. Consequently, they would grow as a responsible citizen of the society and would work for the betterment of everyone. Additionally, this could also help in gaining experience, which could help them in getting into colleges. For instance, many national universities in India give preference to the students who have worked for a minimum of 120 hours under the National Service Scheme (NSS). They are given more importance than those who have not been involved in any such program. By the same token, the society also needs such volunteers to come forward and take up the leadership role as they can be considered for the future bigger positions. Involvement of the youth can provide a great amount of energy in various groups, and many difficult tasks could be done easily. For example, if a community hall's wall has to be built, teenagers can do such laborious tasks more easily than mid age volunteers as they are more energetic. Furthermore, some people believe that teenagers, these days, are impulsive, notorious and only concerned about themselves. But, if they would get involved in these activities, we might also see a transition from the perspective of such people. In conclusion, some people opine that young children should get involved in the work of the upliftment of the society in their free time, and I completely agree with that idea because children could benefit from it to become a responsible member of the society, and the society would also improve as they need the involvement of young people for challenging tasks.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that juveniles should
be involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of volunteer work in their spare time to provide a helping hand to the local community. I
firmly
believe that this practice should
be followed
as both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
its benefits.

By getting involved in such activities, children would develop characteristics of compassion and empathy at a young age.
Consequently
, they would grow as a responsible citizen of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and would work for the betterment of everyone.
Additionally
, this could
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in gaining experience, which could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in getting into colleges.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
national universities in India give preference to the students who have worked for a minimum of 120 hours under the National Service Scheme (NSS). They are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
more importance than those who have not
been involved
in any such program.

By the same token, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
also
needs such volunteers to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
forward and take up the leadership role as they can
be considered
for the future bigger positions. Involvement of the youth can provide a great amount of energy in various groups, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficult tasks could
be done
easily
.
For example
, if a community hall's wall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be built
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can do such laborious tasks more
easily
than mid age volunteers as they are more energetic.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, these days, are impulsive, notorious and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
concerned about themselves.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, if they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in these activities, we might
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a transition from the perspective of such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opine that young children should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in the work of the
Possible spelling mistake found.
upliftment
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
in their free time, and I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children could benefit from it to become a responsible member of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
as they need the involvement of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
for challenging tasks.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people think that teenagers should be required to do unpaid work in their free time to help the local community. They believe this would benefit both the teenagers and society as a whole. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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