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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Students should do part-time jobs before attending college. v.350

Students should do part-time jobs before attending college. v. 350
Many people hold a viewpoint that children watch more television nowadays and this cannot play the role of a book in students life. This is the reason that the children are not well-educated. I partially concur this viewpoint because, I believe, children are so occupied with their daily routine that they hardly get time. Yet, I agree that books are the primary source of education and cannot be replaced by the TV set So, I believe, TV-box cannot be considered as a hindrance in children's education. The most important consideration is children spend most of the daytime either in school or at tuitions. In the same way to this, they are always interested playing outside, for instances in the parks with their neighbourhood friends. So, they are hardly left with any time to watch the TV-box. Watching it for a limited time, in fact, adds to their knowledge. Moreover, parents' denial of TV makes them more curious to watch it. Consequently, they end up watching more when they are allowed. Television can never take the place of books as a teaching tool. Primarily, It can have adverse effects on their eyesight. As well, children might want to watch the same set of cartoons or programs repeatedly that they enjoy rather than watching educational programs. It is the duty of parents to keep an eye on the channels that they are subscribing to. They should activate only educational channels for their offsprings. Children in this generation are far more educated than the previous generations. So televisions are not to be blamed, if a subset of students watch plenty of it and parents do not know how to control them. It all depends on the parents to help pupils understand the role of education and television in their life. To conclude, children are already busy with their daily routine. Excess of everything is bad, so is watching television and children are well educated as compared to the previous generations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
hold a viewpoint that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
nowadays and this cannot play the role of a book in students life. This is the reason that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not well-educated. I
partially
concur this viewpoint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, I believe,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
occupied with their daily routine that they hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time.
Yet
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that books are the primary source of education and cannot
be replaced
by the TV set
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I believe, TV-box cannot
be considered
as a hindrance in children's education.

The most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
consideration is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of the daytime either in school or at
Possible spelling mistake found.
tuitions
.
In the same way
to this, they are always interested playing outside, for instances in the parks with their
Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbourhood' is British English.
neighbourhood
friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they are hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
with any time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
the TV-box. Watching it for a limited time, in fact,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
to their knowledge.
Moreover
, parents' denial of TV
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more curious to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
it.
Consequently
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up watching more when they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
.

Television can never take the place of books as a teaching tool.
Primarily
, It can have adverse effects on their eyesight.
As well
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
the same set of cartoons or programs
repeatedly
that they enjoy
rather
than watching educational programs. It is the duty of parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on the channels that they are subscribing to. They should activate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
educational channels for their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.

Children in this generation are far more educated than the previous generations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
televisions
are not to
be blamed
, if a subset of students
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "watches"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'watch' is not always incorrect.)
watch
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of it and parents do not know how to control them. It all depends on the parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
pupils understand the role of education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
in their life.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are already busy with their daily routine. Excess of everything is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
is watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well educated
as compared to the previous generations.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Students should do part-time jobs before attending college. v. 350

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
327 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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