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Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers will have more influence than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers will have more influence than their parents. v. 1
It is an indeed true fact that after parents, teachers are the most important and influential person in a child's life. Here some short sighted people come with an argument that whenever child start their school teachers will impact more than their parents. I strongly disagree with this notion. There are ample reasons why I disagree with upper statement. First of all, when child come into this world he or she see their parents first after that he or she see the world through their parents' eyes. Secondly, parents can teach their child many important things like How to behave, difference between right or wrong, customs, traditions, religion, values and so on. For instance, children's minds are like a wall whatever you paint on it will stay forever. Thirdly, parents can show direction to their children and make them better responsible individual to the society. This leads to creating a better world for living because the future of the nation is on mature individuals. On the other hand, some advocates believe that the teacher will influence more to a child. They say that teachers can identify right potential inside the child and motivate them to achieve their goals. They also argue that teachers can give better advice on career choice to the children because they know what is a child really want in their life. In conclusion, I do admit that teachers are helpful In career selection, motivate to the children, but parents can give life learning lessons on culture, religion, traditions and so on.
It is an
indeed
true fact that after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and influential person in a child's life. Here
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
short sighted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
with an argument that whenever
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
will impact more than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. I
strongly
disagree with this notion.

There are ample reasons why I disagree with upper statement.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into this world he or she
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "sees", "saw".
see
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
first
after that he or she
The pronoun 'she' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "sees", "saw".
see
the world through their parents' eyes.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
things like How to behave, difference between right or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, customs, traditions, religion, values and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
For instance
, children's minds are like a wall whatever you paint on it will stay forever.
Thirdly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
direction to their children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them better responsible individual to the society. This leads to creating a better world for living
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the future of the nation is on mature individuals.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advocates believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teacher
will influence more to a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
. They say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
can identify right potential inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and motivate them to achieve their goals. They
also
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
can give better advice on career choice to the children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know what is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
really
want in their life.

In conclusion
, I do admit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are helpful In career selection, motivate to the children,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can give life learning lessons
Did you mean "to"?
on
culture, religion, traditions and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers will have more influence than their parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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