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Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers have more influence than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers have more influence than their parents. v. 1
It is believed that educators are more influential in the student's lives than their own parents. Personally, I partly agree with this opinion due to the following reasons. On the one hand, after enrolling in a school, pupils tend to spend more time in class than at home, since most of the educational systems run full-time, therefore, teachers might have a greater time of life to share their knowledge with children. For instance, social studies have shown that in some countries like America students stay an average of 8 hours at school because of extra classes, which means the family can spend only around 5 or 6 hours with their children before sleeping time. Hence, they are more tired than listening to their parents. Additionally, educators have fewer difficulties to teach adolescences and children, as a consequence, pupils are more likely to listen to teachers in comparison to parents. Conversely, the emotional attachments among family members may help to influence children, as people tend to respect and admire more loved ones than the others, as an result, they might become their children's role models. For example, if a family commonly goes to the church, the following generation who loves their parents will obey the same religion, which would not happen in an abusive family. Moreover, parents are for whole of life while teachers last for a year, because academic educations are only a proportion of someone's life. In conclusion, although teenagers and children may be influenced by teachers who spend a significant spare of time with them during school, mothers and fathers may have stronger influences due to their emotional relation
It
is believed
that educators are more influential in the student's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
than their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Personally
, I partly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion due to the following reasons.

On the one hand, after enrolling in a school, pupils tend to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
than at home, since most of the educational systems run full-time,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
might have a greater
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
of life to share their knowledge with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For instance
, social studies have shown that in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries like America students stay an average of 8 hours at school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of extra classes, which means the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
can spend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
around 5 or 6 hours with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
sleeping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Hence
, they are more tired than listening to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
Additionally
, educators have fewer difficulties to teach adolescences and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, as a consequence, pupils are more likely to listen to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
in comparison
to parents.

Conversely
, the emotional attachments among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to respect and admire more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones than the others, as
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
result, they might become their children's role models.
For example
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
commonly
goes to the church, the following generation who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will obey the same religion, which would not happen in an abusive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are for whole of life while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
last for a year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
academic educations are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a proportion of someone's life.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
be influenced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
who spend a significant spare of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with them during school, mothers and fathers may have stronger influences due to their emotional relation
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that after a child enters school their teachers have more influence than their parents. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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