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In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v.2

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 2
It is true that in most countries the population of the elderly is increasing slowly due to the advancement in the medical field. In my opinion, this has a negative impact on society due to the extra burden on government expenditures and lack of opportunity to a younger population. On the one hand, the overpopulation of older people will create a burden on the government. To elucidate, most government collect the fund from the other citizens in the form of tax and it is used for the development of the nations. For example, if such fund is allocated on the well-being of older people by giving well-equipped hospitals and retirement houses to live then such government has to collect extra taxes from other people to maintain the budget of the country. As a result, the younger population has to pay extra taxes to the government, which creates a negative impact on society. On the other hand, the population of such countries will be soaring. It is evident that population of older people is increasing day by day in the most nations due to the advancement in technology and medical science, which means that younger people do not get the opportunity to prove their talent. For instance, if the X generation does not retire from the job, then the millennial generation will not get the chance, resulting in an increase in unemployment. Thus, the increase in the rate of unemployment creates a detrimental effect on the country. In conclusion, although there is a great advancement in the medicine, an increase in the population of the older generation not only does it create an extra burden on the government by taking care of them but also increases the rate of unemployment by not giving an opportunity to young people.
It is true that in most countries the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the elderly is increasing
slowly
due to the advancement in the medical field. In my opinion, this has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on society due to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
burden on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
expenditures and lack of opportunity to a younger population.

On the one hand, the overpopulation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
create
a burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. To elucidate, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
collect the fund from the other citizens in the form of tax and it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the development of the nations.
For example
, if such fund
is allocated
on the well-being of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by giving well-equipped hospitals and retirement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
then such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
collect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
taxes from other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to maintain the budget of the country.
As a result
, the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
pay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
taxes to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creates
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on society.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of such countries will be soaring. It is evident that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is increasing day by day in the most nations due to the advancement in technology and medical science, which means that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the opportunity to prove their talent.
For instance
, if the X generation does not retire from the job, then the millennial generation will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance, resulting in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in unemployment.
Thus
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the rate of unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
creates
a detrimental effect on the country.

In conclusion
, although there is a great advancement in the medicine, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
older
generation not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
does it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
create
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
burden on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
by taking care of them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increases
the rate of unemployment by not giving an opportunity to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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