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Some people believe that advertisements targeting children may have negative effects on them, and suggest banning such advertisements as a solution. v.1

Some people believe that advertisements targeting children may have negative effects on them, and suggest banning such advertisements as a solution. v. 1
Ever since the liberalisation of media, advertisements have been its primary source of revenue. Children, who are in their formative years, are more likely to be influenced by advertisements than their elder counterparts, are regularly targeted by the marketers. It is agreed that this has negative effects on children, thus, shall be banned. This will be proven by looking at how, these advertisements can ultimately make children defiant, and play a part in distracting children from academic activities. To begin, when children are exposed to advertisements of products that their parents can’t afford to provide for them, children often resort to defying both, their parents, and society. For instance, it is a known fact that most children, who go on to become rebels, had been deprived of their wishes for items that they don’t even need, nor can afford, such as elegant toys and expensive mobile phones. This shows that advertisements of certain kinds of products can lead children to develop delinquent tendencies. Hence, promotional material that targets children has more than its fair share of disadvantages. In addition to this, a large number of the flashy advertisements can subconsciously have a detrimental effect on a child’s academics.   For instance, after being barraged by an endless amount of advertisements in a short span of time, juveniles can lose their ability to focus on a certain task for an extended period of time. Thus being exposed to such advertisements can take its toll on a child’s brain. After analysing this, the demerits of advertisements targeting children are manifested. Following this look at how advertisements aimed at children can, undermine their behaviour, and hinder the achievement of their academic objectives, it is evident that these advertisements have adverse effects on children. Thus it is hoped that governments should muse upon banning of such advertisements.
Ever since the
Possible spelling mistake. 'liberalisation' is British English.
liberalisation
of media,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
have been its primary source of revenue.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
, who are in their formative years, are more likely to
be influenced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
than their elder counterparts, are
regularly
targeted by the marketers. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
that this has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
thus
, shall
be banned
. This will
be proven
by looking at how, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
defiant, and play a part in distracting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from academic activities.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are exposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
of products that their parents can’t afford to provide for them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
resort to defying both, their parents, and society.
For instance
, it is a known fact that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who go on to become rebels, had
been deprived
of their wishes for items that they don’t even need, nor can afford, such as elegant toys and expensive mobile phones. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
of certain kinds of products can lead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to develop delinquent tendencies.
Hence
, promotional material that targets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
has more than its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
share of disadvantages.

In addition
to this,
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
the flashy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can
subconsciously
have a detrimental effect on a child’s academics.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
For instance
, after
being barraged
by an endless amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
in a short span of time, juveniles can lose their ability to focus on a certain task for an extended period of time.
Thus
being exposed
to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can take its toll on a child’s brain. After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
this, the demerits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
targeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are manifested
.

Following this look at how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can, undermine their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, and hinder the achievement of their academic objectives, it is evident that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
have adverse effects on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it
is hoped
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should muse upon banning of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that advertisements targeting children may have negative effects on them, and suggest banning such advertisements as a solution. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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