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The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. v.2

The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. v. 2
It is a fact that several countries have a high unemployment rate nowadays. Therefore it is not necessary for the people to complete secondary school level. I personally disagree with the statement and the following essay will discuss it in details. It is undeniable that some countries have problems with unemployment these days. With the modern industrialisation, companies are reducing their employees gradually as they prefer to use the high technology machinery. And then many third world countries such as India, Pakistan or Bangladesh have a large population, but only several of them have high education. While the demand of low skill job is getting lesser, the population of low-skill workers is increasing rapidly in the past few years. As a result, the number of unemployed people has become higher than ever nowadays. Based on that fact, it is really important for people to have good and high education. To obtain the qualification, people should have obtained the basic education that starts from the basic level until the senior high school. When the numbers of educated people in the country increase, they could get a lot of benefits. One of them is that more people will understand about birth control, which is important for controlling the population. And as the country's population slowly decreases, the unemployment rate will also gradually decline. Therefore, it is really important for the government to provide a decent education for their people. In conclusion, it is true that many countries are facing unemployment issues currently. But I disagree if we should eliminate high school to solve the issues. Higher education would have a positive effect on the unemployment rate and therefore I recommend all children should complete their education until high school.
It is a fact that several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
rate nowadays.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
it is not necessary for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to complete secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
level. I
personally
disagree with the statement and the following essay will discuss it in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

It is undeniable that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have problems with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
these days. With the modern
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are reducing their employees
gradually
as they prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
technology machinery. And then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
third world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
such as India, Pakistan or Bangladesh have a large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
several of them have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. While the demand of low
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
job is getting lesser, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
of low-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
workers is increasing
rapidly
in the past few years.
As a result
, the number of unemployed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
has become higher than ever nowadays.

Based on that fact, it is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. To obtain the qualification,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should have obtained the basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
from the basic level until the senior
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. When the numbers of educated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
increase, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
benefits. One of them is that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will understand about birth control, which is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for controlling the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
. And as the country's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
slowly
decreases, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
rate will
also
gradually
decline.
Therefore
, it is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to provide a decent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, it is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are facing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
issues
currently
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I disagree if we should eliminate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to solve the issues. Higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
unemployment
rate and
therefore
I recommend all children should complete their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
until
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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