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The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. v.1

The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. v. 1
As the world’s population grows so does the unemployment rates in most countries. This leads many people to avow that education beyond primary school level is not needed. It is disagreed that education beyond primary school level is no longer needed, no matter how high or low the unemployment rates get. This will be proven by looking at the sophistication that higher education brings with it and how education helps to differentiate between the more productive and less productive people. To begin, the merits of education beyond primary school level are not limited to the technical knowledge gained from the studies, they extend to the courtesies and etiquettes learned by students as they get more mature through education. For instance, it is no secret that bullying amongst children is highest up until high school, it starts to diminish from thereon as students become more in-tune to the wrongs and rights. If youngsters, start to drop out of school after primary level, those bullies, could go on to become juvenile delinquents. After analysing this, it is clear that education beyond primary level is indeed fruitful for the society at large. Furthermore, in absence of education, it would be harder for prospective employers to choose between more competent and less competent people. A scenario where all job applicants for a particular job are primary school level qualified, employers would be hard pressed to select the best possible candidate for the said job, illustrates this point well. Unfortunately, if there are no criteria, upon which to decide between potential employees, the recruitment process will become inept. Hence, education beyond primary school level plays a pivotal role in hiring process. In summary, higher education has a significant part to play in humanising the youth, and in distinguishing between the skilled and the unskilled. Thus, I beg to differ with the idea that education beyond primary level is not needed. It is hoped that people will continue to acquire knowledge through education, regardless of the levels of unemployment.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the world’s population grows
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
does the unemployment rates in most countries. This leads
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to avow that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is not needed. It
is disagreed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is no longer needed, no matter how high or low the unemployment rates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
. This will
be proven
by looking at the sophistication that higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
brings with it and how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to differentiate between the more productive and less productive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, the merits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
are not limited to the technical knowledge gained from the studies, they extend to the courtesies and
Possible spelling mistake found.
etiquettes
learned by students as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more mature through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For instance
, it is no secret that bullying amongst children is
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
up until high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to diminish from thereon as students become more in-tune to the wrongs and rights. If youngsters,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to drop out of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
, those bullies, could go on to become juvenile delinquents. After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
this, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is
indeed
fruitful for the society at large.

Furthermore
, in absence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, it would be harder for prospective employers to choose between more competent and less competent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. A scenario where all job applicants for a particular job are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
qualified, employers would be
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
hard pressed
to select the best possible candidate for the said job, illustrates this point well. Unfortunately, if there are no criteria, upon which to decide between potential employees, the recruitment process will become inept.
Hence
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
plays a pivotal role in hiring process.

In summary, higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has a significant part to play in
Possible spelling mistake. 'humanising' is British English.
humanising
the youth, and in distinguishing between the skilled and the unskilled.
Thus
, I beg to differ with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
beyond
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
primary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
level
is not needed. It
is hoped
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will continue to acquire knowledge through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
, regardless of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
levels
of unemployment.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay The rate of unemployment in some countries is high. Because of this, there is no need to complete an education beyond a primary school level. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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