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some people believe that adults get motivated to exercise and play sports because of the major sports events on tv such as olympic games and football world cup. Others believe that there are many ways apart from tv to encourage them to exercise. Discuss both view and give your own opinion. v.1

some people believe that adults get motivated to exercise and play sports because of the major sports events on tv such as olympic games and football world cup. Others believe that there are many ways apart from tv to encourage them to exercise. v. 1
Engaging in exercise and sporting activities is beneficial to people of all ages. However, a number of individuals agree that older people are majorly drawn into sports and getting active by watching Olympic games or football matches on TV. Others disagree and suggest that there are various ways to make adults participate in working out. I agree with both arguments and I will discuss my view with valid examples. One one hand, televisions provides the medium to reach out to millions of people by broadcasting interesting programmes such as: drama, music and educative shows. In addition, athletic games have a way of attracting huge number of viewers. Many fans who get inspired by their favourite team during these competitions, sometimes partake in similar games. For example, my grandfather took up jogging every weekend after he saw Mo Farah complete the marathon on TV. This has improved his stamina a great deal. On the other hand, apart from televised programmes, older people take up the habit of getting fit by enrolling in social clubs that promote wellness. More so, these places are also good for making new friends and getting busy. For instance, many retirees are keen to be part of exclusive society like golf or tennis clubs that allow them to socialize with other pensioners whilst keeping their bodies in shape. Furthermore, it also makes them spend more time outdoors, away from their TV screens. In conclusion, aged men and women can be motivated to participate in physical activities and games either by social clubs or televised programmes. Just as these are few out of many ways to stay fit, adults should be allowed to pick whatever method suit them. This can be achieved by exposing them to various means of media or activities.
Engaging in exercise and sporting activities is beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all ages.
However
, a number of individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
majorly
drawn into sports and getting active by watching Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
or football matches on TV. Others disagree and suggest that there are various ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
adults participate in working out. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both arguments and I will discuss my view with valid examples.

Possible typo: you repeated a word
One one
hand, televisions provides the medium to reach out to millions of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by broadcasting interesting
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
such as: drama, music and educative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
.
In addition
, athletic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
have a way of attracting huge number of viewers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
fans who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
inspired by their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
team during these competitions,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
partake in similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
For example
, my grandfather took up jogging every weekend after he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
Mo Farah complete the marathon on TV. This has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
his stamina a great deal.

On the other hand
, apart from televised
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take up the habit of getting fit by enrolling in social clubs that promote wellness. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, these places are
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for making new friends and getting busy.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
retirees are keen to be part of exclusive society like golf or tennis clubs that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to socialize with other pensioners whilst keeping their bodies in shape.
Furthermore
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them spend more time outdoors, away from their TV screens.

In conclusion
, aged
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women can
be motivated
to participate in physical activities and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
either by social clubs or televised
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
as these are few out of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways to stay fit, adults should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to pick whatever method suit them. This can
be achieved
by exposing them to various means of media or activities.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay some people believe that adults get motivated to exercise and play sports because of the major sports events on tv such as olympic games and football world cup. Others believe that there are many ways apart from tv to encourage them to exercise. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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