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adults do less exercise these days, some people say that showing events like Olympic and world cup on television encourage adults to exercise while others say that there are other ways to encourage adults to exercise. v.2

adults do less exercise these days, some people say that showing events like Olympic and world cup on television encourage adults to exercise while others say that there are other ways to encourage adults to exercise. v. 2
It is irrefutable to say that many mature person are less active in physical activities in recent times. Many individuals believe that by telecasting major international sporting events such as the World Cup and Olympic would motivate them towards sports, however others had the opinion that there are many other possible ways to persuade them towards sports. The following paragraphs would shed light on both the approaches before making final note on my perspective with an apt example. To embark with the first notion, there are myriad things to be shared in its favours. The foremost one is that national athletes have a high fan following in the millions and many younger ones idealise their athlete. Thus, showing them performing at an international level for a country would motives national pride for youth. As a result, more and more youthful will indulge in pastime as it gives them an opportunity to represent their nation on the world stage. To illustrate this, after The Olympic Games in China, sport club membership has seen an upsurge of 50% with the majority of members are above adulthood. Shifting towards the second school of thought, many people believe that government plays a pivotal role in encouraging majors towards sport by offering them free training facilities and financial aid. Therefore, adults would be attracted towards physical activities, as result they can see games as an alternative career. Furthermore, the majority of adults spend major time in office work and commuting to work. As a result, leaves them with no times for exercise and physical activities. Consequently, organizing recreation events on a regular basis by companies provide opportunities for adults to participate in fun and games activities which can increase their fitness massively rather than watching games on television. For example, In India many IT firms organize marathon competitions annually to promote athletics in their employees. To recapitulate, in the contemporary era youthful is less active in recreation, many sections of society believe that by showing sporting events on TV would encourage them to exercise, I would like to infer that there are many other ways to engage people towards physical activities likes free training facilities and organizing games events at work places which are more suitable in the long term.
It is irrefutable to say that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mature person are less active in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in recent times.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
individuals believe that by telecasting major international sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as the World Cup and Olympic would motivate them towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
however
others had the opinion that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other possible ways to persuade them towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. The following paragraphs would shed light on both the approaches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making final note on my perspective with an apt example.

To embark with the
first
notion, there are myriad things to
be shared
in its
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
. The foremost one is that national athletes have a high fan following in the millions and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
younger ones
Possible spelling mistake. 'idealise' is British English.
idealise
their athlete.
Thus
, showing them performing at an international level for a country would motives national pride for youth.
As a result
, more and more youthful will indulge in pastime as it gives them an opportunity to represent their nation on the world stage. To illustrate this, after The Olympic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Games
in China,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
club membership has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
an upsurge of 50% with the majority of members are above adulthood.

Shifting towards the second school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
plays a pivotal role in encouraging majors towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
by offering them free training facilities and financial aid.
Therefore
, adults would
be attracted
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, as result they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as an alternative career.
Furthermore
, the majority of adults spend major time in office work and commuting to work.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
them with no times for exercise and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Consequently
, organizing recreation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on a regular basis by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
provide opportunities for adults to participate in fun and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which can increase their fitness
massively
rather
than watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on television.
For example
, In India
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
IT firms organize marathon competitions
annually
to promote athletics in their employees.

To recapitulate, in the contemporary era youthful is less active in recreation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sections of society believe that by showing sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
on TV would encourage them to exercise, I would like to infer that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other ways to engage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
likes free training facilities and organizing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
at work places which are more suitable in the long term.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay adults do less exercise these days, some people say that showing events like Olympic and world cup on television encourage adults to exercise while others say that there are other ways to encourage adults to exercise. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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