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Some people believe law changes human behaviour. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe law changes human behaviour. v. 1
Nowadays, whether the law can modify individuals’ behavior or not has attracted numerous controversies and drawn the attention of the public. Some people believe that law can punish illegal actions, while others are in favor of the fact that everyone may breach the law in everyday life. As far as I am concerned, the law can create a safer environment for citizens due to social reasons. On the one hand, introducing a law to human societies can reduce crime rates. Firstly, the law can create a sense of fear by punishment, and give clear guidance for individuals’ behavior. For example, the strict financial law in Australia combat phoenix companies which have detrimental effects on the whole society, and any potential offenders will think twice before conducting any illegal behavior. Moreover, the law also encourages people to help those who are in danger by setting role models to others and rewarding their brave behave. However, the law cannot eliminate issues. First and foremost, everyone may disobey the law in their daily lives to some extent. For instance, a considerable number of people who die from drunken driving every year, because they ignore regulations and rules, especially for young adult, which causes irreversible trauma to many families. Also, the suffering-time in prison should make criminals become law-abiders afterward, while some hardened offenders continue to be law-breakers. To sum up, I am more inclined to the view that law can change the way people act, even though everybody may disobey the law to some extent.
Nowadays, whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
can modify individuals’ behavior or not has attracted numerous controversies and drawn the attention of the public.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
can punish illegal actions, while others are in favor of the fact that everyone may breach the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
in everyday life. As far as I
am concerned
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
can create a safer environment for citizens due to social reasons.

On the one hand, introducing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
to human societies can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
crime rates.
Firstly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
can create a sense of fear by punishment, and give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
guidance for individuals’ behavior.
For example
, the strict financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
in Australia combat phoenix
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which have detrimental effects
on the whole
society, and any potential offenders will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
conducting any illegal behavior.
Moreover
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
also
encourages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
those who are in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
by setting role models to others and rewarding their brave behave.

However
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
cannot eliminate issues.
First
and foremost, everyone may disobey the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
in their daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
For instance
, a considerable number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
from drunken driving every year,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
regulations and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
,
especially
for young adult, which causes irreversible trauma to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families.
Also
, the suffering-time in prison should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
criminals become
Possible spelling mistake found.
law-abiders
afterward, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hardened offenders continue to be law-breakers.

To sum up, I am more inclined to the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
act,
even though
everybody may disobey the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
law
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people believe law changes human behaviour. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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