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As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behaviour and that of adults? v.3

As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behaviour and that of adults? v. 3
Nowadays, it is a ubiquitous notion that the children’s social conduct is changing significantly in some ways as they are becoming adults. There are manifold alterations between the adults and young’s behaviour. In this essay, I will cite some appropriate points about this issue and give my opinion that whether these changes tend to negative or positive direction. Actually, people's behaviours are contingent upon their ages. The young people are more energetic and of course, it influences to their life perspectives. As bad luck would have it, sometimes the young are being self-righteous despite their wrong manners. Most time their attitudes become obdurate, as a repercussion of it, they squabble with each other over the trivial peccadillos. On the other hand, the adults' characters differ from the young utterly. They are much more sophisticated in terms of the life experience. That is why they fathom everything thoroughly. It behoves the young to get advice from the adults in order to comprehend the life in depth. At the same time, the grown-up’s behaviour are more tranquil and congenial in the society and it is undoubtfully true that in the essence of each stupendous achievement belonging to any young person stands the old’s aid and advice. Sometimes as children are getting older, the changes which are encompassed their behaviour tend to the bad way. They feel so that they can do everything and as a result, it contributes to the generating of the feeling of tremendous brash. However, as they become adults, this process inculcates them to garner the new life experiences in the mankind. Taking all things into account, it seems to me that the changes related  to children’s attitude depend on their trait much more than their age. Because each individual is represented with his character and this personality qualification starts with the time he is born and terminates via the death.
Nowadays, it is a ubiquitous notion that the children’s social conduct is changing
significantly
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ways as they are becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. There are manifold alterations between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. In this essay, I will cite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appropriate points about this issue and give my opinion that whether these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
tend to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
direction.

Actually,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
are contingent upon their ages. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are more energetic and
of course
, it influences to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
perspectives. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
luck would have it,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
are being self-righteous despite their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
manners. Most time their attitudes become obdurate, as a repercussion of it, they squabble with each other over the trivial
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "peccadilloes", the plural form of the noun 'peccadillo'?
peccadillos
.

On the other hand
, the adults' characters differ from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
utterly
. They are much more sophisticated in terms of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experience.
That is
why they fathom everything
thoroughly
. It
Possible spelling mistake found.
behoves
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
advice from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
in order to comprehend the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in depth. At the same time, the grown-up’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
are more tranquil and congenial in the society and it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
undoubtfully
true that in the essence of each stupendous achievement belonging to any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
person stands the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
’s aid and advice.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
as children are getting older, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
which
are encompassed
their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
tend to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
way. They feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can do everything and
as a result
, it contributes to the generating of the feeling of tremendous brash.
However
, as they become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
, this process inculcates them to garner the new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
experiences in the mankind.

Taking all things into account, it seems to me that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
related
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
to children’s attitude depend on their trait much more than their age.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
each individual
is represented
with his character and this personality qualification
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
with the time he
is born
and terminates via the death.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay As children become adults, their social behaviour changes in some ways. What are the main differences between young children’s social behaviour and that of adults? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
312 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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