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Some people believe it is better for governments to spend any available money for sports on providing facilities for the general population. Others believe that instead, they should invest in training top athletes to win major competitions. v.2

Some people believe it is better for governments to spend any available money for sports on providing facilities for the general population. Others believe that instead, they should invest in training top athletes to win major competitions. v. 2
The first opinion of the debate is to spending money on providing facilities for the commoners by the government while the second one argues that the investment should be for the top athletes only. This is a well-debated topic and deserves some attentions. In my opinion both the schools are correct in some senses and they have some reasons to believe so. Firstly, it should be considered that the number of ordinary people is considerably higher than the top athletes. So, they are in need of some sports facilities where they could have the chance of physical activities. In fact, we all are aware of the importance of physical activities and how they benefit us all. In my locality, there are no public parks available where the people can take some exercises in morning or evening hours. So, the number of patients with physical disorders like diabetes, obesity, heart disease etc. is on the rise in my locality here in Jakarta and the issue got covered on the local dailies as well. The government in a county should be more focused on improving the public health than winning some trophies. On the contrary, top athletes are assets for a nation. Their failure in any competition is the disgrace for the entire state. Unless they are trained in a perfect manner, they would be unable to participate in major competitions and bring the desired fame for the country. So, a proper training is a must for them. It would really be a humiliation when media will cover stories over their failures in international sporting events and if that happens for lack of government appreciation. Therefore, considering both the arguments, I think the government should make a balance between the two. Usually, physical activities make people fit and help to be an effective workforce. So, if the mass people turn physically inactive, an economic disaster is a must. Further, if the top athletes are ignored, it will be a disgrace for the nation. Hence, the I believe the government should pay attention in both the case equally.
The
first
opinion of the debate is
The word 'to' seems to be wrong here. "spending" is a present participle verb.
to spending
money on providing facilities for the commoners by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
while the second one argues that the investment should be for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
. This is a well-debated topic and deserves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
attentions. In my opinion both the schools are correct in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
senses and
they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons to believe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.

Firstly
, it should
be considered
that the number of ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is
considerably
higher than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they are in need of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sports facilities where they could have the chance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities. In fact, we all are aware of the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities and how they benefit us all. In my locality, there are no public parks available where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises in morning or evening hours.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the number of patients with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
disorders like diabetes, obesity, heart disease etc. is on the rise in my locality here in Jakarta and the issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
covered on the local dailies
as well
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
in a county should be more focused on improving the public health than winning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
trophies.

On the contrary
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are assets for a nation. Their failure in any competition is the disgrace for the entire state. Unless they
are trained
Consider replacing "in a perfect manner" with the adverb for "perfect"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a perfect manner
, they would be unable to participate in major competitions and bring the desired fame for the country.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, a proper training is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
for them. It would
really
be a humiliation when media will cover stories over their failures in international sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
and if that happens for lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
appreciation.

Therefore
, considering both the arguments, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a balance between the two.
Usually
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
fit and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to be an effective workforce.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, if the mass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
turn
physically
inactive, an economic disaster is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
.
Further
, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
top
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
, it will be a disgrace for the nation.
Hence
,
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "I"?
the I
believe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should pay attention in both the case
equally
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe it is better for governments to spend any available money for sports on providing facilities for the general population. Others believe that instead, they should invest in training top athletes to win major competitions. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
345 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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