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Homeschooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society. v.1

Homeschooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society. v. 1
Education is the backbone of a nation and the true development of a nation relies on the way our children are being educated. Though homeschooling was quite a remarkable idea in the past, this, is in my opinion, is no longer applicable and suitable in the modern society. First of all, the concept of ‘self-educated’ is not acceptable in any job sector and without the certification from college or university level, someone can’t even apply for a post. Thus homeschooling will only increase the unemployment in the society while it was an excellent way of educating people in the last century. Moreover, parents these days send their children to the daycare centre from the very early stage and thus they have no time for homeschooling in a sense. Second, the education system in the past was not as formal as it is today. Thus having home tutors and mentors at home by rich people to educate their children was probably the best arrangement. On the contrary, poor could not afford tutors and thus engaged their children in some sort of works from their childhood. The picture has changed and the modern government system allows poor and rich students alike to study in a school which is subsidised by government funds in many cases. Finally, homeschooling is no longer the norm in education these days. We have formal educational institutes that employ best teachers for every subject and follow a national and international course curriculum.   Without attending formal educational institutes, the students would not be treated as educated in the country, job sector, and even in the society. In conclusion, parents should help their children on their studies at home so that they can excel in school. The school is the main standard of education these days while homeschooling has become an obsolete idea while it has been a successful system in the pre-modern era.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is the backbone of a nation and the true development of a nation relies on the way our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
being educated
. Though homeschooling was quite a remarkable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
in the past, this, is in my opinion, is no longer applicable and suitable in the modern society.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the concept of ‘self-educated’ is not acceptable in any job sector and without the certification from college or university level, someone can’t even apply for a post.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Thus
homeschooling will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increase the unemployment in the society while it was an excellent way of educating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the last century.
Moreover
, parents these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to the daycare
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early stage and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
they have no time for homeschooling in a sense.

Second, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system in the past was not as formal as it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Thus
having home tutors and mentors at home by rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to educate their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
was
probably
the best arrangement.
On the contrary
, poor could not afford tutors and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
thus
engaged their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of works from their childhood. The picture has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and the modern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
system
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
poor and rich students alike to study in a school which is
Possible spelling mistake. 'subsidised' is British English.
subsidised
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funds in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases.

Finally
, homeschooling is no longer the norm in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
these days. We have formal educational institutes that
A determiner is probably missing here: "employ the best".
employ best
teachers for every subject and follow a national and international course curriculum.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Without attending formal educational institutes, the students would not
be treated
as educated in the country, job sector, and even in the society.

In conclusion
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
on their studies at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can excel in school. The school is the main standard of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
these days while homeschooling has become an obsolete
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
while it has been a successful system in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-modern
era.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay Homeschooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
315 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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