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Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. v.1

Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. v. 1
Nowadays, the role of females has thoroughly become different compared to the past. While they had to take responsibility for home duties far more than males, now their roles in the workforce has become more obvious. Some individuals might disagree with it; however, I personally believe that both genders must equally be permitted to participate in different careers. On the one hand, the role of women was mostly catering for their children and related duties of home, and some say that this was extremely important to societies. One obvious benefit was that their children were more under control than now. Mothers had more time to raise their children and had sufficient control over their children’s behaviour, while unfortunately now they are more involved in their job and have less opportunity to have a close relationship with them. Another advantage was that this could have a positive influence on couples’ relationships, and the rate of successful marriage partners was far higher than now. For instance, in the USA, because of this change, the percentage of divorce increased dramatically, from 10% in the 1970s to just over 25% in 2000s, according to a report in a US family magazine. On the other hand, I personally agree with the method supporting females have the identical fortune to work in different jobs. One important factor behind it is that they are and will be more talented in different fields of jobs because they are more prosperous workers or scientists. As a prime example, in space, they have a better tolerance to difficult conditions they face than the male ones. Their physiology can help them to adapt better to some weird weather conditions and they have been successful as similar as men in their job. Furthermore, it is based on humans’ rights. Apparently, all humans must be given equal opportunity to live and work, and all national organisations are trying to develop this policy. Females can have better performance in all types of jobs, especially in those linking to emotion. In this way, had not they allowed to work as a psychologist, less depressed patients would have been cured appropriately! In conclusion, while in the past women had less role in working, now they have more crucial roles. From my point of view, it will be against the basics of humans’ rights if they are not given permission to work similar to men, and their aptitude is valuable in some specific types of jobs, far than men.
Nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of females has
thoroughly
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
compared to the past. While they had to take responsibility for home duties far more than males,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
in the workforce has become more obvious.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals might disagree with it;
however
, I
personally
believe that both genders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
equally
be permitted
to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
careers.

On the one hand, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of women was
mostly
catering for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and related duties of home, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
say that this was
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to societies. One obvious benefit was that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
were more under control than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
. Mothers had more time to raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and had sufficient control over their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, while unfortunately
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
they are more involved in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and have less opportunity to have a close relationship with them. Another advantage was that this could have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on couples’ relationships, and the rate of successful marriage partners was far higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
.
For instance
, in the USA,
because of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, the percentage of divorce increased
dramatically
, from 10% in the 1970s to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 25%
The article is probably missing here: "in the 2000s".
in 2000s
, according to a report in a US family magazine.

On the other hand
, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the method supporting females have the identical fortune to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor behind it is that they are and will be more talented in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
fields of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are more prosperous workers or scientists. As a prime example, in space, they have a better tolerance to difficult conditions they face than the male ones. Their physiology can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to adapt better to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
weird weather
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
conditions and
they have been successful as similar as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Furthermore
, it
is based
on humans’ rights.
Apparently
, all humans
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
equal opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, and all national
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are trying to develop this policy. Females can have better performance in all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
especially
in those linking to emotion. In this way, had not they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as a psychologist, less depressed patients would have
been cured
appropriately
!

In conclusion
, while in the past women had less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in working,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
now
they have more crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
roles
. From my point of view, it will be against the basics of humans’ rights if they are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
permission to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
similar to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, and their aptitude is valuable in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
specific types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
Use "farther", "further" to make a comparison with this adjective.
far
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe in the traditional idea that the woman’s place is in the home, while others say that idea is outdated and that women should play an increasingly important role in the workplace of the future. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
412 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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