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Women will play an increasingly important role at workplace in future. But this may disturb their family lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Women will play an increasingly important role at workplace in future. But this may disturb their family lives. v. 1
Work places are now being made more and more employee friendly with lavish recreational areas and flexible working hours. Women do play an important role in offices and their importance is increasing by the day. Some people opine that this may cause imbalance in their family lives, but I do not agree to this fact. With the rise in activists that vouch for gender equality and the laws that support it, most institutions hire more women to fill job positions. This not only breaks the glass ceiling that used to haunt successful women, but also gives them huge self-confidence to explore new opportunities and live out their dreams. Different industries are trying to create formidable working environments for the employees, to improve their sense of belonging to their working place. This in turn makes employees more dedicated to their work and produce better business outcomes. For example, the information technology industry has made it easier for employees to work by introducing facilities to work from home, hence improving their work life balance. This ensures that work life does not get in the way of their family lives. Some disparage opine that work life disrupts family life for women as they grow up the ladder in their work places. They argue that women are solely responsible to take care of their family. But, that need not be true when both the female along with the male counterpart, adjusts and acts responsibly to take care of their family. Both partners can take various roles within the family to manage daily chores and responsibilities that come along with children. In conclusion, contrary to some detractors, I do not agree to the statement that women’s family life get disturbed as they grow up the ladder in the workplace. With the correct mindset and the opportunities organisations provide, women just as their male counterpart, can manage their families' lives even when their dependency in workplace increases.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Work
places are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
being made
more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
friendly with lavish recreational areas and flexible working hours.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
do play an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in offices and their importance is increasing by the day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that this may cause imbalance in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this fact.

With the rise in activists that vouch for gender equality and the laws that support it, most institutions hire more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to fill job positions. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
breaks the glass ceiling that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to haunt successful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
gives them huge self-confidence to explore new opportunities and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
out their dreams.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
industries are trying to create formidable working environments for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their sense of belonging to their working place. This in turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
more dedicated to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and produce better business outcomes.
For example
, the information technology industry has made it easier for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
by introducing facilities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from home,
hence
improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
balance. This ensures that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in the way of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
disparage opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
disrupts
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
as they grow up the ladder in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
places. They argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are
solely
responsible to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, that need not be true when both the female along with the male counterpart, adjusts and acts
responsibly
to take care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
. Both partners can take various roles within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
to manage daily chores and responsibilities that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
along with children.

In conclusion
, contrary to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
detractors, I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disturbed as they grow up the ladder in the workplace. With the correct mindset and the opportunities
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
provide,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as their male counterpart, can manage their families'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
even when their dependency in workplace increases.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Women will play an increasingly important role at workplace in future. But this may disturb their family lives. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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