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Some people claim that what many people eat in western countries is unhealthy food and that their diet is getting worse. Critics say that these countries should change their diet. v.1

Some people claim that what many people eat in western countries is unhealthy food and that their diet is getting worse. Critics say that these countries should change their diet. v. 1
The issue of unhealthy food in western countries has become an inevitable issue for people that influence people’s diet. Moreover, some researchers recommend those people to change their diets. I personally agree with these views. I believe that unhealthy food in western countries is affected by the use of technology in producing food that mostly concerns on the quantity of the products as well as time efficiency but ignores the quality aspect. As a result, there are various kinds of junk food and instant food provided in several restaurants that obviously lack the nutrients as well as vitamins. Moreover, the use of technology in producing food sometimes endangers people because the food factory tends to add chemical substance inside of the food instead of natural substances. Moreover, media, through TV and printed media, play important role in persuading as well as convincing people to buy those unhealthy foods. On the other hand, some researchers recommend people in western countries to change the diet from modern food into traditional food that naturally contains much nutrients, vitamins, minerals and calories. I believe that changing the diets will make people be avoided from the dangerous substance that influence the health. Moreover, even though people use the technology to produce as well as modify food production but by considering the importance of healthy diets people will use it effectively and safely. In short, people in western countries are provoked by media as well as the technology use in food production that probably add chemical substance inside the food. By considering these factors, people should change the diets into the traditional food that is more natural as well as healthier.
The issue of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
has become an inevitable issue for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that influence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
diet.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
researchers recommend those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their diets. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with these views.

I believe that unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in producing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
mostly
concerns on the quantity of the products as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as time efficiency
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignores
the quality aspect.
As a result
, there are various kinds of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and instant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
provided in several restaurants that
obviously
lack the nutrients as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as vitamins.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
in producing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
endangers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
factory tends to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
chemical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substance
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
instead
of natural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substances
.
Two successive sentences begin with the same adverb. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
Moreover
, media, through TV and printed media, play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in persuading as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as convincing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
those unhealthy foods.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
researchers recommend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the diet from modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
into traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
naturally
contains
Use "many" with countable nouns.
much
nutrients, vitamins, minerals and calories. I believe that changing the diets will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
be avoided
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substance
that influence the health.
Moreover
,
even though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
to produce as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as modify
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
production
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by considering the importance of healthy diets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it
effectively
and
safely
.

In short,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in western
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are provoked
by media as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
production that
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
chemical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
substance
inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. By considering these factors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the diets into the traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that is
more natural as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
well
as healthier.
16Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
43Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay Some people claim that what many people eat in western countries is unhealthy food and that their diet is getting worse. Critics say that these countries should change their diet. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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