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Some people believe if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it will cause some problems. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it will cause some problems. v. 1
It is believed by some people that giving opportunity to people to involve in the official work after their age of 60 will create many problems. In my opinion, I completely agree that allowing adults to do a job after 60 years will have detrimental effects on the fresh graduates, company’s advancement and productivity. The first and foremost problem, which will raise due to the employment of over aged people is that new graduates will not find a job easily. In other words, vacancy for an employee will not be circulated because of holding the position by old employees. For example, in Japan 80% job positions are held by the 60-65 years employees, which is creating problem for graduates to get a suitable job. Moreover, intensity of unemployment will increase, which will have a negative impact on the economy. Secondly, people should not be permitted after 60 years because they will not be well known about the latest policies, methods, technical tools and technologies, which are mandatory to run a company smoothly. In other words, their education and knowledge will become outdated at the age of 60 whereas can be benefited by employing new generation’s up-to-date skills and knowledge. Finally, after the age of 60 most people suffer from different types of diseases such as diabetics, asthma, arthritis, which will deter them to work effectively and efficiently. In other words, productivity of a company will hamper because of having many sick old employees. As a result, company will make a financial loss, which is not desirable to any company’s management. Therefore, people who want to work after the age of 60, should not be allowed. In conclusion, lots of problems will be created in the young generations’ employment, company’s growth and efficiency so adults should not be allowed to work after the age of 60.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that giving opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to involve in the official
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60 will create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that allowing adults to do a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
after 60 years will have detrimental effects on the fresh graduates,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
advancement and productivity.

The
first
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, which will raise due to the employment of over aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that new graduates will not find a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
easily
.
In other words
, vacancy for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employee
will not
be circulated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of holding the position by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
For example
, in Japan 80%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions
are held
by the 60-65 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
, which is creating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
for graduates to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
Moreover
, intensity of unemployment will increase, which will have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the economy.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not
be permitted
after 60 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will not be well known about the latest policies, methods, technical tools and technologies, which are mandatory to run a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
smoothly
.
In other words
, their education and knowledge will become outdated at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60 whereas can
be benefited
by employing new generation’s up-to-date
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.

Finally
, after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60 most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of diseases such as diabetics, asthma, arthritis, which will deter them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
effectively
and
efficiently
.
In other words
, productivity of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
will hamper
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sick
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a financial loss, which is not desirable to any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
management.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who want to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60, should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
.

In conclusion
, lots of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
will
be created
in the young generations’ employment,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company’s
growth and efficiency
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
adults should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of 60.
21Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe if people are allowed to work after the age of 60, it will cause some problems. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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