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Some people become famous at a very young age. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v.1

Some people become famous at a very young age. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1
It is important to consider the effects of fame on extremely young people. While there are some advantages to being famous at a very young age, there are also some disadvantages to consider. In this essay, I will explain some of the merits and the demerits related to this situation. On the one hand, one major disadvantage of this early fame would be depression. This is because children at this young age are not mentally ready to deal with the burdens of being famous. This may expose them to the risk of being more introverted to avoid such difficulties. For example, a paper published by psychologists at Cambridge University in 2019 declared that young people who become well-known at their early ages are more likely to be depressed before their adulthood than their peers. Furthermore, these young celebrities would represent distorted role models for children. This is since they are not fully responsible for their actions that most children would imitate. This would lead to serious health concerns for younger generations despite any parental control. On the other hand, being well-known at an early age would be beneficial in terms of independence. This is since these young people usually make their own decisions, which would lead to being self-reliant persons. For instance, research conducted by pedagogical experts at the Canadian ministry of education in 2019 revealed that famous young people are more expected to be independent by 50%. Besides, these early aged celebrities are more financially stable than their peers. The reason for this is the high incomes that they earn because of their fame. Had it not been for being famous at this young age, these children would have financially suffered to build their future. In conclusion, although early fame for children is harmful in terms of the risk of depressions and representing wrong role models for other young people, being independent and becoming more economically stable are benefits that should be taken into consideration.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to consider the effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
on
extremely
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young
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people
. While there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages to being
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famous
at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
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young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to consider. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
merits and the demerits related to this situation.

On the one hand, one major disadvantage of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
would be depression. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
are not mentally ready to deal with the burdens of being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
. This may expose them to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of being more introverted to avoid such difficulties.
For example
, a paper published by psychologists at Cambridge University in 2019 declared that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who become well-known at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
are more likely to
be depressed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their adulthood than their peers.
Furthermore
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
celebrities would represent distorted role models for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This is since they are not
fully
responsible for their actions that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would imitate. This would lead to serious health concerns for younger generations despite any parental control.

On the other hand
, being well-known at an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
would be beneficial in terms of independence. This is since these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions, which would lead to being self-reliant persons.
For instance
, research conducted by pedagogical experts at the Canadian ministry of education in 2019 revealed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be independent by 50%.

Besides
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
aged celebrities are more
financially
stable than their peers.
The reason for this is
the high incomes that they earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
. Had it not been for being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would have
financially
suffered to build their future.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is harmful in terms of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of depressions and representing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
role models for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, being independent and becoming more
economically
stable are benefits that should
be taken
into consideration.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
37Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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Amy Chua

IELTS essay Some people become famous at a very young age. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
326 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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